wicked kitten

starts with goodbye

2007-07-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

was standing on the doorstep,
the box in my hands wanted to fall out of my hands,
But I knew I had to do it,
And they wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without them,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a cross road
There's a choice you gotta make.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you're trying to fly,
It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead,
just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things ive loved to get to the other side
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you're trying to fly,
It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye

Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now...

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side, I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you're trying to fly,
It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
starts with goodbye

screw the roses, send me the thorns. chapter 1

2007-07-12T18:19:00.001-07:00

Miss Fran and i started reading Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns bye Philip Miller and molly devon. the first chapter explained what SM is, and is not, they made a big point of saying that SM is NOT abuse in any way, unless one partner is unwilling. SM is there to help the submissive to feel helpless and vulerable, and the Dom, in a position of controll and authority. there were some vocab, lingo words we read about. they pointed out the differences between a Owner/slave, Top/bottom, Dom/sub. there wasnt a whole lot of things that were new to me in chapter one. but i really like the book, there is a lot of humor to keep things light and interesting. and lots of pictures =D i like these kinds of picture books hehe

thankful thursdays

2007-07-12T15:32:00.000-07:00

im thankful that:

1. im all moved in

2. we have the bedroom situation worked out, all we have to do is make the switch

3. things between my family arent tense or anything like i thought they might

4. my new job is cool, takes a little getting used to but i know ill get the hang of it

5. the guy training me is really nice and patient, i can learn from him

6. the barista girls that i thought would be snobby are cool, and theres a guy now too! met him today, cute cute cute

7. ive lost just over 10lbs on my diet

8. Miss Fran said i could eat real food as soon as i get down to a certian point. only 5 lbs to go.. and i can have real food for every 10 lbs i lose

9. THE AIR CONDITIONING WORKS IN MY CAR NOW!!!!

10. it wasnt so hot out today. made work much more bareable

devilish eggs

2007-07-11T16:31:00.000-07:00

recipe: Devilish eggs

6 eggs hard boiled
2 table spoons mayo
1 tablepoon mustard (yellow or honey, depending on how you like your devilish eggs.. sweet or sour)
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon dill
2 table spoons pickle juice (again, sweet or dill, depends on how you like it)
a dash of tabasco, or cayenne.. what ever you have

peel and cut eggs in half, carefully removing yolks. mix all other ingredience togeather with yolks.

Tip: when done, put mixture into a ziplock bag and cut a corner off, its lots easier to fill the egg white halfs

today was my first day at my new job and it went really well i think. the guy that was training me was really nice and patient and helped me and didnt just leave me to it. he was able to answer a lot of my questions. i made cookies and energy bars and granola and potato salad and did sandwich prep. it was fucking hott!!!!!! jesus h. christ. the guy i worked with today worked yesterday and he said he closed early cuz it was so damn hot. so today before everything got too busy he went and bought a fan.. a freakin awesome fan. was still pretty hot but at least we had air flow.

Miss Fran and i played last night.. She worked on my front side. i dont know why but the front side is just so much more jumpy and sensitive i guess. i feel all jittery and jumpy. She put clothes pins and such on my nipples and flogged them off.. which hurt like a bitch. She couldnt even barely touch my right one after they were all off without me yelping in pain. im a pussy, i know. She rubbed my clit for a while and made me cum, and after wards i cried.. like usual. yesterday She told me She felt unwanted, that i didnt make Her feel like the center of the universe, and thats how She thought thats how a sub was supposed to make her Domme feel. and Shes right.

i know the deviled egg recipe is kinda cheesy, but Miss Fran wanted me to make some for Her and Mr. Hubby. its a good summer side dish or snack. =D

hmm.. dont know why my font stuff is all wacked out.. weird

well, this is it

2007-07-10T10:16:00.001-07:00

tomorrow is the big day. i start my new job. im not nervous yet.. i feel i am quite capable, and qualified. im excited, and tomorrow im sure ill be nervous. im really glad i get to wear jeans.. ive never had a job where i can wear casual stuff. that will be nice. its been really hot here the past couple of days. hmm, nothing really new and exciting.. oh! tomorrow is contract renegotiation time again.. theres a new girl on the yahoo group Miss Fran and i belong to who is a published author of erotic books, im excited to look her up and start reading. who doesnt like a good erotic story?? we gave the other dog a hair cut and bath yesterday. they are both so cute now.. not that they wernt before. ive lost 9 lbs on my liquid diet already. makes me happy! im getting more and more used to it now. but im so glad it seems to be working, i hope it keeps up

munchies

2007-07-09T08:32:00.000-07:00

saturday was Miss Fran and i's first munch togeather. over all it was a good time, was a bit boring in the begening because there was no BDSM talk.. just a bunch of small talk. it was a lot more interesting once the talk turned in the right direction. there were a lot of interesting people, they asked questions and were of course a little confused by the situation between the 3 of us. understandable. Miss Fran even let me share part of a caesar salad with Her. real food *faint* it made me full quick, but it didnt last long! this liquid diet thing.. works, but man.. what i wouldnt give for some food to chew, ...other than fruit. lol. Miss Fran really wants to get more involved in the local scene, ive been a few times, and its fun, a good learning experiance. and lots of interesting people. the local club in seattle isnt just for bdsm. its for ANY alternitive lifestyle. gay, lesbian, BDSM, tv, poly, you name it, they got something for ya! they have belly dancing classes, old school porn night, discussion groups on everything, demonstrations.. but one thing is for sure.. i dont recommend going by yourself. lol. there are of course the creepy people lurking in the corners. they have a huge dungeon space, private play area's that are invite only to watch. blood/knife play rooms.. a room with a doctors table.. even a room for food play.. a huge locker room type shower.. for those messy activities *crinkles nose* and after care rooms, and space just to sit and talk with other people.

almost all moved in

2007-07-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

so thursday night was my last night at home with my family. my mom didnt cry(im sure she will in private) but my daddy cried.. which made me cry. ive been the kid to make him cry the most.. if at all, and im sorry for that. but i cant and will not appologise for who i am. i like who i am. he doesnt know the real me.. not really, he knows parts, but if he knew all of it i dont think he would like it. at. all. my dad is very old school, a churchie all the way. ive disapointed him a lot, ive made him proud too, and i know he loves me despite all of the disapointments.
friday at work was almost normal. except for the really nice card and cake they baked me at the end of the day *which i did not go near! didnt even taste the frosting* i know they are gonna miss me.. i can tell they were being sincere in saying that. expecially when my asstant manager came up to me in the parking lot and gave me a big hug.. she's not a hugger, touchy feely person at all. they all asked for me to keep them updated, so i will. im sure some of them will even make the trek to come and eat at the new place im working at. i left work and got here and unloaded the car.. got a good part of it unpacked but we didnt get enough hangers. i can never find this many clothes when im looking for something to wear!! we saw transformers last night.. EXCELLENT movie. freakin loved it.
everyone is switching rooms this week to see if we can find something to work for all of us.. not too sure its gonna work, but we wont know unless we try.

thankful thrusdays

2007-07-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

im thankful that:

1. tomorow is my last day at my current job

2. im moving in tomorrow!

3. my family is being really supportive of my new job and the move

4. i had a great day off for the 4th

5. im moving on to a better job, but im still going to miss my friends at work

6. i get two days off before i have to start at the new job

7. my parents had a good time on their trip

8. my sister and i worked out our straightner "issue"

9. i started my liquid diet today, and i didnt cheat! .. i almost did, it was half way to my mouth when i realised what i was doing and i threw it on the ground like it was a big bug or something. lol

10. i didnt get too badly sunburned yesterday, a little pink on my left shoulder, and a tiny pink on the back of my neck i think

ah!! sleeping in

2007-07-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

i love sleeping in during the week. i never get to do it, theres nothing better than hearing the alarm going off, getting to turn it off and roll over and go back to sleep. hehe, i love that. today and tomorrow i have to finish packing up some clothes and cleaning. my brother got my sister and i some salt water taffy *yum* and a vegas key chain. everyone is nice and tan, and probablly dont want to see the inside of a car for weeks! lol. they drove from seattle, through oregon, california, nevada, utah, and back home. im glad they're back. even though im going to miss spending the 4th with Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby, its good that i can spend it with my family before i move out this weekend. my best friend broke up with her boyfriend recently.. we havent been spending a lot of time togeather lately because she spends a lot of time with her boyfriend during the week when im home, and i spend a lot of time with Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby when shes home.. she told me she missed hanging out like we used to.. im sorry for that. i hope i will still get to see her some times.. wether she comes up to visit me at Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby's or when i come down to see my family. she's going to come by for a few minutes today to drop off a movie i let her borrow. happy 4th of july everyone!

100th POST! next year

2007-07-03T16:59:00.000-07:00

so, i dont get to spend 4th of july with Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby. im a little sad about that, but its what Miss Fran wants. She said we would have next year. my sister and i were going to go to the beach with some friends.. but we arent doing that any more. we are gonna stay home i guess. i said goodbye to some people at work today, as a lot of customers are taking a long weekend. im gonna miss some of them, its nice that they wished me well and good luck. after work i went to buy the protien drink i will be drinking instead of eating. im excited, i think i can do really well on this diet *crosses fingers* my sister wants to do the same kind of diet, i hope she does well. my parents are comming home tonight after being gone on a road trip for almost 2 weeks. so i gotta clean house! lol. i just got off the phone with my aunt and i guess the bbq is back on. so we'll probablly do that tomorrow. i can remember when i was younger, and single.. i was single a lot..lol 4th of july used to be a really depressing holiday for me. just cuz i always wished i could share it with someone. (not family lol SO not the same thing) so i hope everyone has a fun and safe holiday, with people they love. =D

happy pet

2007-07-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

it was a great weekend! i brought over the few boxes i had and unpacked them. its a good feeling, unpacking. i know things are cramped and crowded but i think we can work through it well enough. so sunday Miss Fran shaved me. =D i thought it was fun. for the past 2 weeks i havent shaved "down there" cuz She has been wanting to do it, we've just been busy. so yesterday She did it. we laughed and giggled a lot but im alllll smooth now hehe. later that night i got a spanking with the big paddle (boat oar). in the D/s newcommers group i belong to on yahoo they are always talking about embracing the pain, let it roll over yourself. and i put that to good use when Miss Fran was spanking me. She doesnt like it when i clench or tense up when She spanks me. She told me if i tense up then She will smack me harder, i think concentrating on no tensing up helped me a lot to deal with the pain. i feel like a took a lot last night. i dont know.. She didnt say so or anything lol. after wards She told me to roll over and play with my cunt, She took pictures and got down on Her knees at the end of the bed and got out my G-spot vibrator and fucked me with it. She asked me if i thought that i had been a good girl that day.. and i said no. i was a horrible pet yesterday. i am deeply ashamed about how i acted. She asked why i thought no, and i told Her why, and She agreed, saying i had acted like a pouty brat all day. She asked if i thought i deserved to cum, i said no. She told me i had 5 minutes to cum, and that i would get a 30 second warning, She finally turnd on the vibrator (She was just fucking me with it before) and i went nuts. She kept saying how wet i was. i could have cum in like a minute, i am waaaay suprised that i was able to last 5. She gave me my warning and it was sooo hard not to cum then, but i came when She told me to.. She asked if i had another one left, i said maybe.. She asked yes or no. i said yes, and i came again.. i probablly could have gone for a third, honestly. i was so turned on and grateful that She allowed me to orgasm. we layed there for a couple minutes and i asked if i could go see if Mr. Hubby wanted a blog job, She said She would ask for me while i cleaned myself up. i was a MESS! hehe. She said he did and that She was going to watch, and to make it quick because it was past my bed time. so we went in and i gave him a blow job and swallwed his cum. aaahhhh! tummy full of cum, and a hot bottom. happy pet indeed!

yay!

2007-06-29T16:46:00.000-07:00

im here finally! yay! it totally sucks being away all week.. and when friday comes along the day just draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaags by. i brought my boxes.. but Mr. Hubby said to leave them in the car for Miss Fran and i to deal with later.. i was thinking about where we were gonna put all of it on the way here.. and i had no idea lol. good thing there's only clothes and things i use every day left to bring. im so excited to be here all the time.. and not just a couple of days on the weekend.
how awesome is being missed? ive told some of my regular customers at work about my new job and my move and they all say congratulations and that they are gonna miss me :D it makes me feel good. i love being missed. when Miss Fran or Mr hubby tell me during the week that they miss me.. i love it. now they're gonna be like "how can we miss you if you wont GO AWAY!" lol they dont know what they are getting into.. but i dont either, so we're even i guess. lol.
Miss Fran really wants to find some lifestyle friends, and get involved in a munch or something.. there isnt much around here, but i want to also, i have been to munches and lifestyle clubs and i loved all the experiances. so i hope we find something, there is a lot to learn from other people.

thankful thursdays

2007-06-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

im thankful that:

1. jurassic park was on tv last night

2. i got a butt plug hehe

3. Miss Fran got screw the roses give me the thorns

4. Shes going to let me read it to Her so we can discuss it togeather

5. 4th of july is comming up and im so excited.. i think fireworks are romantic, and ive never gotten to spend that holiday with a boyfriend/girlfriend Master/Mistress, i am really looking foward to it

6. packing is mostly done

7. my lillies are so tall and huge! and so pretty, and smell good

8. my parents and brother wern't hurt in the earthquake in california

9. tomorrow is friday and i get to go to Miss Fran and Mr. Hubbys tomorrow

10. i have gotten a lot of peace and quiet while my parents and brother are on vacation

11. fish crakers are tasty

12. ratatollie is comming out soon.. disneys first cooking movie! yay!

13. transformers is commin out and we are gonna go see it

14. we watched the first 2 die hard movies this past weekend, im excited to see live long and die hard

15. im half done! lol. im doing 30 thankful's today because i did a regular post the past 2 thursdays

16. i watched stomp the yard and it was super good

17. im moving in! a week from tomorrow! i just feel like bouncing up and down and clapping my hands

18. packing makes me see that i have a lot of stuff to sell and make money!

19. i found a ton of clothes that i didnt realise that i had

20. my relationship with my parents is getting better

21. Miss Fran has a town house for us to look at on sunday

22. im getting paid more at my new job

23. im meeting with the head chef on saturday to go over the new menu and do paperwork

24. its cool outside and it rained

25. im going to hopefully start a new diet, liquid, a family friend did something similar and lost TONS of weight

26. my favorite show was on last night and tonight :)

27. i found some books that i thought i had lost

28. my tattoo isnt red or itchy this time

29. i didnt burn myself at work today!

30. the burn i did get on tuesday didnt blister and feels fine now

packing!

2007-06-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

i brought home some boxes today from work.. about 5, and packed them up. one with movies.. one with books.. one with misc. bathroom and jewelery stuff, a box of candles and one of clothes so far.. and some hang up stuff too. i talked to the chef at my new job and im comming in on saturday to do some paper work and go over the new menu, im excited. my first day will be wednesday the 11th. and my last day at my current job will be the 6th, im going to miss the girls i work with tons! im going to be working with coffee girls at the new place, i hope they arent snobs lol. when i got home from week, a family friend was here with her kids swimming.. they know how to get in and its cool with the family.. i told her about my new job and moving, shes really excited for me. she said her and her husband would come for dinner one night. that will be cool :) she's really cool, really easy to talk to. while i was packing i found some clothes that i havent seen in a while.. so that was cool, mostly summer stuff.. which is nice since it is.. summer. lol tomorrow ill bring home a couple more boxes.. i dont think there's much left to pack except clothes, not untill we move into a bigger place.

the news

2007-06-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

so, now for the big news.. Miss Fran is now owned.. crazy huh? i was completely stunned, and shocked when They came out and told me. there had been some issues with Mr Hubby feeling like he never got any time with me.. that all my time was with Miss Fran and he got the left overs. he wanted to be able to have the power to veto. i have no idea whatsoever how they come up with this solution, but lordy it will be fun.. Mr Hubby says that i will get the chance to spank Miss Fran.. hehe. im excited and terrified at the same time! sunday night we were laying in bed and Miss Fran started pinching my nipples really hard and i was trying to get away and being kind of loud.. and Mr Hubby said if we didnt tone it down we would be sleeping out in the living room. i asked him what he wanted me to do.. he said fight back..lol. i think not! so i finally got my tits protected and She went for my ass and i shrieked a little and he told us to get our asses into the living room.. Miss Fran got the floor.. and i got the couch lol. i got my tattoo touched up on sunday.. and Miss Fran got a tattoo also, a L on the back of Her neck. its really pretty

what a weekend

2007-06-25T15:45:00.000-07:00

so much has happened this weekend. today ill start with the great news (not that the other isnt good news.. its not good or bad.. its news tho!) I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am so happy! i called the head chef on saturday and thanked him for the interview and asked if they had made a descision yet.. he said that they hadnt and that they were going to have a meeting on monday to make one.. he called about 3 hours later and left a message(i missed the call) saying that they didnt need to wait because they wanted me for the job! i was so happy i gave Miss Fran and Mr Hubby big hugs and kisses. im moving in! big changes in store (more about that tomorrow) i gave my 2 weeks notice today at my current job.. and that went really well. everyone is very happy for me.. my boss and asstant manager were almost stunned.. they know about Miss Fran, Mr Hubby and i's situation.. they get all the steamy details and such hehe.. but i dont think they took me seriously before.. the asstant manager got big eyes and said.. wow, your really doing it arent you? your moving in with them.. and i laughed and said ya! i wasnt joking! lol im so excited. im going to be moving some things in the next two weeks.. i already left some clothes there before i came back home.. im a little sad that i wont have anything thats mine there.. other than clothes.. i hope that changes when we move into a bigger place.. i just want to feel like its my home too.. might be kinda hard if i dont have anything there lol. its not a huge deal.. just not what i expected when i moved out for the first time.. but things are better than what i expected too.. when i used to think about moving out.. i thought it would be with my sister.. or my best friend.. i never thought i would get to move in with two people that i love and care so much about. the journey is taking another turn, there's a long road ahead of us, its gonna be bumpy and smooth, twisty and turny.. but a great ride none the less :D

pain and punnishment

2007-06-23T14:20:00.001-07:00

*covers my face* yep, more and more blonde moments lately.. oy.

as a masochist how do i feel about pain as punishment. for me its all about the state of mind, if Miss Fran were to spank me, or use the crop, or anything, the implement doesnt matter, if Shes doing it to punish me how can i find any enjoyment in it.. like the last time i screwed up and didnt do my blog.. what She said afterwards was more punishment than any kind of physical pain She could have inflicted... i dont find all pain pleasureable.. for me its all about headspace.. when we scene for pleasure of course i get pleasure from it.. but as punishment.. i would take it as it is.. even if it is something that i enjoy, like spanking.. if She's doing it as punishment, and is disapointed in me, talking about what i did wrong.. i wouldnt get any sort of pleasure from that.

How does the blond cunt open a window?

2007-06-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

That's My girl : )

2007-06-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

thursday i had my interview. i came home, and Mr Hubby and i watched a movie while waiting for Miss Fran to get home. She called and said that She wanted to go to the gym as soon as She got home and for us to be ready when She did. so we all went to the gym, it was fun belive it or not. so we came home and Miss Fran cooked really yummy dinner and She let me watch my favoritest show. :D Mr Hubby said he wanted a massage, and then a blow job hehe. so when it was over we went into his bedroom and he layed down and i used some massage oil and did his back and legs. he got his blow job and came in my mouth *yum* ^.^ after Miss Fran said She had something planned for me, i had no idea. so Mr Hubby went to bed and Miss Fran told me to get in the shower.. and not to turn any of the lights on, She lit candles in the bathroom and in the Bedroom.. i got in the shower and soon i heard the door open and Miss Fran got in with me. yay! *claps* ive never taken a shower with anyone other than my sister when we were little lol. She washed my hair and washed me from head to toe. it was so nice.. and She looked so pretty with all the steam in the bathroom and Her wet hair :) i was nervous at first because i felt nurtured, indulged, and those are new to me in this relationship. i was looking foward to washing Her as well, but when She was done with me i was instructed to dry off, brush my teeth and get in bed on top of the covers face down. butt plug time!! *clapps* ive never used one before but i really enjoy anal sex.. so She got out of the shower and got on the bed and massaged me for a little bit, then She got out the butt plug and told me i better lick it good because it was the only lube i was going to get. but then She was nice and ended up spitting (which was way hott) on my ass for a little more slipperyness hehe. so She got it in, without even a whimper (i think She was disapointed) but She got a moan when it went all the way in. She got up and opened the closet door. yay! good sound. She asked me what i thought She was going to use, and i said the crop.. i think it just might be both of our favorite. so She stuck to just my left ass cheek.. owie, no rubbing between smacks, i never realised how much rubbing them out inbetween sets or whatever helps.. still tryin to get some lasting marks on me other than hickeys, no such luck. when She was done She asked how it felt.. and i asked how what felt.. my ass cheek or the plug.. She laughed and said both, my ass cheek felt stingy, but the plug felt good hehe :) then we went to bed.. and ended up waking up in the middle of the night pulling on each other because we thought the other was falling off the bed.. which neither of us were.. lol it was really funny, and a really great night

movin on up (or in)

2007-06-21T15:36:00.000-07:00

had the job interview today.. i think it went really well. the guy *josh* was really nice, and so was the owner, she was really cute.. red head, really skinny, big boobs, freckles. i think i have a really good shot at getting this job, the working space itself is pretty small, but the menu is simple. it looks like its something i would do really well at. in culinary school my chef always said that i made really good soups. i went and bought my butt plug today.. i got a red one. they didnt have the right size of purple ones at the lovers package i went to. it should be interesting, ive never used one before. i cant wait to get out of my job and moved in with Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby. wish me good luck!

color of my soul

2007-06-20T21:27:00.001-07:00

What color is your soul painted?

Brown

Your soul is painted the color brown, which embodies the characteristics of calmness, depth, nature, stability, tradition, poverty, roughness, down-to-earth, uncertainty, and neutrality. Brown is the color of the element Earth, and represents soil and, to a lesser degree, fertility of the Earth.

Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

job interview wOoT!

2007-06-20T16:48:00.000-07:00

tomorrow i have a job interview at a cafe that is a lot closer to Miss Fran and Mr Hubby. i am excited. i hope it goes well, i think it will, i am certinly qualified for it! im excited to see Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby tomorrow, and all weekend hopefully. i miss them so much during the week. everyday i come home and spend at least 45 minutes looking for jobs, usually its an hour or more. keep sending my resume out. ive always hated looking for jobs, but it wont find itself! Miss Fran wants me to buy a butt plug *blush* hehe. i went to lovers package today and checked them out. some are really weird looking, but they come in a lot of cool colors! hot pink, and purple, thats what color im sure Miss Fran will want me to get. everyone wish me luck on my interview tomorrow! i have all my fingers and toes crossed!

service's sake

2007-06-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

Do you ever find you enjoy the service just for the service’s sake?

im one of those girls who's always wanted to be married.. to be the traditional house wife. i go on these domestic stints.. where i actually clean my room, and tell my mom that ill cook dinner tonight. i may not ever get to marry Miss Fran and Mr Hubby, but i am slowly and surely wiggling my ass into the 2nd wife spot. lol. at least im sure as hell trying to! i love making the bed, doing the laundry, cooking dinner. makes me feel more and more like im a part of things, like im making my place. Miss Fran wants me to learn how to do pedicures. i hate feet. i really do. dont even like talking about them. but when She told me She wanted me to learn, i didnt freak out.. not entirely sure why, but im *mostly* looking foward to learning, and doing that for Her. i know it will make Her happy.

stress relief

2007-06-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

Think of a time when your owner provided some stress relief for you. What was it that relaxed you or helped your calm your nerves?

the first time that comes to mind is the night we all first met in person. and its funny because im sitting here thinking about it, and i think She actually overwhelmed me to try and get me to relax. lol. i was sitting there with HUGE butterflys in my stomach, She called and said ok, we are here.. i was sitting at a table and there were a lot of people at surrounding tables.. my hair was covering the side of my face and i was tearing up a napkin and a straw paper. They come up to the table and She said "aww, shes hiding". and then She told me to move over. lol.
She put her arm around me and was playing with the top of my breasts and kissing my cheek and neck. She KNEW i was nervous.. i had been telling Her the week prior to meeting how nervous i knew i would be. so She played up on it. and Her overwhelming me helped a lot. but another thing is when i get home from work, and ive had a horrible day, which is most days.. getting home and sitting down to do my tasts help de- stress and de-agitate me, it helps me concentrate on the things that matter. my job doesnt matter, because hopefullyi wont be there much longer :)

grow

2007-06-17T15:02:00.000-07:00

How has your owner encouraged you to grow as a person? As a submissive?

the other night Miss Fran and i were talking, about how i can come to have such a hard time at communication. it sort of stems from something that happened, and how my parents handled that something. i love my parents very much, i know now that they are better parents than what i used to give them credit for. anyways, i was telling Miss Fran about it and She helped me see that it wouldnt have mattered if the out come of the "something" had been any different. She told me that the next day i was to pul my parents aside and tell them that i love them, and that i havent been giving them enough credit, and that i was to start telling them that i love them every day. which before then isnt something i did. maybe every couple of weeks would those words be spoken. Miss Fran wants me to grow as a person, grow as a daughter, and of course as a sub. My tasks are to write in a blog daily and read a D/s yahoo group, and to read and comment on 2 other submissive blogs. all those things help me as a sub. i cant thank Miss Fran enough for making me pull my parents aside and talking to them, im sure they were afraid at first that i was going to tell them that i was pregnant or something.. lol. i think that as the communication with my parents gets better then it will also help in my relationship with Miss Fran and Mr Hubby as well

performance test V

2007-06-16T15:33:00.000-07:00

"i will perform all duties and services without question. Instructions will be carried out immediately."

im a selfish person. im young.. 22, only have had one "real" relationship before this one. so im a little behind i think. i get so worried about how i *think* people are going to react, i let my imiganition run away from me, and i end up freaking out, and thinking the worst is going to happen. i get myself in SO much trouble doing it, and im trying so hard to just aim for a middle of the road reaction. i cant assume what people are going to say or think unless i say something about it in the first place. i get so freaked and make a big deal, and then get in trouble for not talking, and they are more mad about that then what i was freaking out about in the first place! oy vey!! *smacks forhead* think ill get it right anytime soon?

i almost lost them last night. i said something before i thought it all the way through. Mr Hubby has a daughter, and i know that he loves her very much. i know how sad it makes him that she doesnt want to be a part of his life. one of the things i was worried about when i moved in is if she decided to come back, she has done it before and i thought that if she came back then i would have to leave. she's his daughter.. i thought i was right in assuming that. i didnt realise that he was giving that up for me. i felt so horrible, he got so upset and had every right after what i had said. i was thinking about myself, what i was giving up, and not seeing the other point of view. he loves me enough to maybe have to tell his daughter that she cant live with them, if she ever comes around(which is a slim to none chance). he said he didnt want to see me anymore. i thought i was losing everything. losing Miss Fran, losing Mr. Hubby, and everything we had at that point.

Miss Fran and i talked, i made a list of things that i felt i needed to work on, and She asked me to make a list of what i thought that She needed to work on, i made a copy for each of us. one of the things i had put on Her list was that i thought She needed to show more emotion.. we both realised that we are completely opposite. i show my emotion, but cant communicate, and She can communicate but cant show emotion. i got real tears out of Her last night and i didnt realise how much that would mean to me. we got up and Miss Fran had told me that Mr Hubby had calmed down and was willing to talk to me. i was scared, and ashamed of how i had acted with both of them. and i cant begin to say how thankful i am that they love me enough to keep giving me second chances.

performance test IV

2007-06-16T15:32:00.000-07:00

"i will perform all duties and services without question. Instructions will be carried out immediately."
last night Miss Fran said She had come up with a solution to the sleeping arrangements. it has given us some trouble. Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby sleep seperately. Mr Hubby doesnt like sleeping with anyone. Miss Fran doesnt think i should get to sleep with Him if She doesnt get to. so Her solution was for me to sleep with Her if i was a good slut, and if i was bad i could sleep on the floor at the end of Her bed. i had never slept with anyone. Mr Hubby is the first person ive ever spent the night with. i knew he didnt like sleeping with anyone.. but i thought he wanted to sleep with me.. so he was "dealing with it" not that he doesnt.. he just doesnt get any sleep. ive made it a huge issue.. i want to sleep with both of them. i didnt mean to sound ungrateful. i like sleeping with Her too. when She told me last night i *thought* that that would mean i wouldnt get to sleep with Mr. Hubby ever. and if he doesnt ever want to sleep with me then its his right, he should tell me so. i dont want him to sleep with me to make me happy. if it doesnt make him happy i dont want it.

this was me, jumping to conclusions. i got a little upset and i sounded like a petulant child a bit im guessing. crying the whole bit, making Miss Fran think that i didnt want to sleep with Her, that She wasnt good enough. that was the last thing i wanted to do. i love Her, i love Him. who doesnt want to sleep with the person(s) they love? its just a lot of adjustments to make with 3 people. its hard enough in a relationship with 2 people to keep everyone happy. i hate the feeling that i am making everyone unhappy. that they are unhappy with me.

today is the worst day ive ever had since beggning this relationship. on the verge of a panic attack all day, upset stomach, horrible mood swings, exactly like back when i was manic depressive. on the verge of tears all day, because of the feeling that i am making worse, that i am making them unhappy. why cant i just do what im told without questioning it? i was in a relationship for 3 years where i did nothing but make the other person happy. was i happy? no. i want to make them happy, i want everyone to be happy. i was so afraid that i would have to walk away from them. that we couldnt be happy. that is what put me in my panic mode. ive found the the that feels right for me.. i told Mr. Hubby last week that this is the first relationship that i have ever been in where it is completely 100% me. ive not changed myself to make them happy, but maybe thats what i need to do..

Performance test III

2007-06-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

"i will perform all duties and services without question. Instructions will be carried out immediately."

sunday afternoon we went out looking for an aprin, and some books. Miss Fran informed me that i would be wearing an aprin, and only an aprin to cook dinner that night. we went to barnes and noble first, She was looking for a couple of books. Screw the roses and give me the throns, and SM 101. we couldnt find them on the shelves so She made me go to the information desk. She thought i would get embarassed. hehe. i did it with no hesitation and no embarassment. which i think was a tad dissapointing for Her lol. needless to say they didnt have the books. the girl said they might be a little too extreem for Barnes and Noble. bah. ive seen them at borders before.

next we went to Ross to see if they had an aprin for me. Miss Fran wanted a cute white frilly one. but Ross doesnt have frilly ones. so She settled for one that She liked well enough. She told me She wanted me to go try it on.. WHAT DO YOU MEAN TRY IT ON?! lol. we were on our way to the dressing room when She asked me what i was going to tell the dressing room attendant when she asked why i wanted to try on an aprin.. i hadnt even thought about that!! i pleaded with Miss Fran to let me take another article of clothing in with me. and thank goodness She let me. She came in with me and made me take off my top and bra and put the aprin on. i was giggling and She kept having to put Her hand over my mouth to keep me quiet. She turned me around and we were kissing and She was playing with my breasts and i was REALLY turned on. i wasnt so giggly after that. hehe. then i asked Her how we were gonna get out?? lol. She reminded me that it wasnt uncommon for 2 girls to go into a dressing room togeather. so we left and went to pay for the aprin. im sure my face was bright red.

i love doing things for Her. i thought my blog was mine.. it is but its Miss Frans too. i do it because She asks me to. everything i do should come with the thought "is this something that would please Miss Fran, or is this something She wants me to do, or did i do it to the best of my ability." i guess the day i forgot to do my blog before entertainment i wasnt doing that. when i am with Her i feel like i do a good job, better than a good job, but when im not able to be with Her, i definately fall behind on that. i dont do it on purpose, because i think ill get away with it, because obviously i cant! lol i think its just because i am in a different space after ive been at work all day, and then come home to my family. i would never do anything to displease Her on purpose

performance test II

2007-06-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

"i will perform all duties and services without question. Instructions will be carried out immediately."

people submit differently. submit means to give over or yield to the power or authority of another. if submission is something that can only be given freely, why would someone not do what their told? i have no excuese. even if i did, nothing would be valid. when Miss Frans asks me to do something, i am to do it. i submit because its a part of me. i started learning about BDSM when i was about 16. i dont think i could be happy in a relationship without it. thats why my situation with Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby. i get the submissive part of me fulfilled, but i get the "normal" part fulfilled too.

Miss Fran and i belong to a yahoo group that is for BDSM newcommers. i have learned a lot from the group. yestesterday a question was posted to the group. sub/slaves/pets.. what is your favorite form of service? i have two. we dont get a lot of chances to scene. now that i think about this, it may not be considered a service. we might scene once a week. i know She loves getting into our formal roles. and i do too. my other favorite form of service is house chores. i love doing things like doing Her laundry, cooking Her dinner, making Her bed, taking the dogs out for Her. it makes Her life easier, especially after the things i put Her through. its the least i can do.

we talked last night about solutions to the current situation. and we agreed that She needs to be more assertive. things are changing. and im going to do my best to do everything She asks of me. in a quick and efficent manner, to the best of my ability, and the way She wants it done. i am on a shorter leash now, so to say. hehe. i have to report and ask permission for just about everything i do. i think it will help me stay it a submissive space. i have two job interviews set up for the next week. as soon as i move in i know that will also help things a lot.

performance test I

2007-06-12T17:15:00.000-07:00

"i will perform all duties and services without question. Instructions will be carried out immediately."

i dont live with Miss Fran and Mr Hubby, not yet. right now my only daily tasks are down to just my blog, and job hunting for at least 45 minutes. She wants to make sure i find a job soon. Yesterday i had done my job search, but before i had done my blog, i had gotten on WoW to see if Mr. Hubby was on. i didnt get on to play, but thats not the point. i screwed up again, Miss Fran pointed out that it was almost exactly a month since the last time i had done the same thing. so Miss Fran asked me to blog on "i will perform all duties and services without question. Instructions will be carried out immediately" from our contract all week.

i am trying very hard so find a new job so i am able to move in with Them. i think that once that happens things will get a lot better. right now i live at home with my family, and i go to work. i dont have any physical interaction with Miss Fran at all during the week. at work i am pretty much my own boss, i have a boss but its more of a title. i come home and i live with my family, both parents and 2 siblings. i certinly am not submissive at work, and dont show it at all at home, unless my mom asks me to do something... but thats because shes mom =) my feeling is that when i move in with Them that things all around, in all area's will change, hopefully for the good. i know that being there will change my submissiveness. because right now i only really have to be "in role" 2 maybe 3 days on the weekends.

my tasks, and my submissiveness needs to be my priority. its harder now because my interaction is mainly with people at work, and with my family. i talk to Miss Fran on and off during the day, but its not the same as being in Her presence. i talked to Her about this earlier and She agreed that i do a good job when i am there, i am glad and relieved that She thinks so. i have to prove to Her that my submission is important to me. and doing what She asks is a good way to do that. i berate and punish myself more than She ever could. i didnt sleep very well last night, and i was on the verge of tears all day at work. i dont want Her to give up on me. i need to get my head in the right space, and keep it there. and i know that it will be so much easier when i move in.

got them all cut

2007-06-11T20:17:00.000-07:00

i got my hair cut today.. i didnt have him style it because it costs more.. so i came home and eventually got to drying it and styling it. started to cry. i dont like it. i usually go to a more expensive salon.. but i cant really afford it so i went to a cheaper one, and i know now why you pay more at expensive salons. i cryed for like a half hour trying to do something with my hair. i know its not really that bad.. but its the things that i notice that i dont like, anyone else probablly wouldnt. this weekend was good. Miss Fran bought me a new outfit :) lol an aprin. its what i got to wear while making dinner sunday night. i was freaked out.. being mostly naked, cooking dinner.. with Her snapping pictures of course.. i got more comfortable eventually and She got some AMAZING pictures. i see myself different in Her pictures.. i never want to look, cuz i never like pictures of myself.. but i was so amazed at how She captured me. i want to print it and post it everywhere. Mr. Hubby went to bed early cuz he was really tired, so Miss Fran and i stayed up to finish watching the movie, and then i made dinner for Her.. i have been feeling really domestic lately.. its funny how something like doing the laundry and making the bed and fixing dinner can bring so much satisfaction. we also resigned our contracts.. for another 3 months. i added something, and She added something. and we signed. :) are you supposed to sign a contract forever? or are you supposed to do a short term thing? either way, in three months we will re evaluate.

renewal

2007-06-08T16:29:00.000-07:00

monday is the 11th. a month after we signed our contracts. its been a month full of ups and downs. my tattoo is healed, but will need a touch up. i wear my everyday collar now when i sleep.. i only take it off when i shower.. or if i remember to at work (im not supposed to wear it at work, work rules, not mine) my tattoo is my permanent collar. i am looking for a new job so i can move in.. im so excited about this step. so excited. it will be another first with them. i hope i find a job soon, a good job. so i can start saving more. so we can move into a bigger place. i want to renew the contract. even though we have had bumps i still feel like we are moving in the right direction.

thankful thursdays

2007-06-07T16:30:00.000-07:00

im thankful that:

1. Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby want me to move in

2. i had a really good time in levenworth this past weekend with my friend and her mom

3. tomorrow is friday

4. its not so hot out!

5. i got to work with my friend brenda today

6. Miss Fran got me the wow expansion :D

7. everybody is feeling better

8. my favotite show is on tonight

9. i got a adorable new purse :D

10. that Miss Fran and Mr Hubby love me

honey im home!

2007-06-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

lately Miss Fran, Mr Hubby and i have talked about me moving in. this is something that i really want to do.. i get off of work and all i want to do is drive there. right now it is an hour commute each wayif traffic is good. the longest its taken is 4 hours. and 100 miles round trip. its a long way. im afraid that if i move in, that things wont get better, that they might get worse. thats why i want to hold off a while on getting a job by their house.. i want to see how things go. they made it work is Mr. Hubbys daughter, so it could most likely work for the 3 of us. its just a big step, one that i really want to take. but we cant move into a bigger place untill i can help pay all the fee's and stuff, rent.. and i am so broke its not even funny. i cant get a head for the life of me. my dad wants me to apply at his work.. its a little closer to them, not much tho. maybe about 45 minutes instead of an hour. if traffic is good. but i know the insurance is good, the pay is a LOT better than what i make now, i know a lot of the people and am friends with a lot of people who work there. it would be weird working with my dad though.. lol

ive had the best day of my life

2007-06-06T15:39:00.000-07:00

Write about lastnight's scene .At the end of your post I want you to rank each of the following:
(1 being least favorite and so on)
Crop
Black Slapper
Hot Wax
Flogger
Breath Control
and locations
Tits
Pussy
Back
Legs
Ass
Feet
Miss Fran convinced me to call in sick to work yesterday :D i dont know why, but yesterday, i would have to say was probablly one of the best days of my life. and i cant put my finger on the reason why, it was just an awesome day. we went shopping at walmart and costco, came home and played WoW for a while, i made dinner for them.. and then Miss Fran told me to go put on my collar and cuffs, hands and ankles. i went into the bedroom and got nekkid and put my cuffs and stood quietly. She knew when to come in because i wasnt jingling anymore hehe. She brought in the straps to secure me to the bed and i attatched myself as much as i could and She got the rest, and put a blindfold on me. She brought in the ipod and we listened to Korn. i liked the music, i thought it would be distracting but i liked it a lot. i always have a hard time of putting a scene in order after the fact. i believe She used the crop on me first, i like the crop, but it felt like the cane to me, i was suprised after wards to find out She didnt use the cane at all. She used it on my back, sides, back of legs, feet, ass. and She brought out Her new black slapper, which is really stingy, and She used the purple nylon flogger between some of the hits and i found out that i LOVE that. the different sensations feel amazing. i think She had me hold the crop between my teeth while She used the slapper. THEN She totally suprised me by pouring hot wax down the middle of my back.. woah. it made me cry out but i love hot wax, just have never been suprised with it before. She cleaned up the wax and had me roll over and reattach myself so i was on my back. for some reason i feel so much more vunerable on my back, i jump a lot more when i am, i feel so open and unprotected. She used the crop and slapper more, i cant remember if She used the flogger on my front side or not. i remember that She didnt use the wax on my front either. She spanked my pussy with the slapper.. i love having my pussy spanked when i am on my hands and knees or on my tummy, but when im on my back i hate it. weird, i know. She made me hold the crop in my teeth again. She took it out, and started kissing me hard, i love to kiss. making out is probablly one of my all time favorite past times. but since i had been crying, and my blindfold was down over my nose i couldnt breathe. it was really intense, i was running out, trying not to breathe through my nose and get snot everywhere, so i inhaled and stole Her breath. it was a really interesting experiance.. She did it again soon after the first time. She put clamps on my nipples and i had to beg to get them to come off, they came off and She licked them nicely, which i am very thankful for. but She found my hair clips and put those on instead, but they wernt nearly as bad. after that was cuddling and petting time. i love that part . i loved all of it. it was just a really good scene for me. for Her too i hope. it was really balanced, not too much or too little of anything.

Crop 2
Black Slapper 1
Hot Wax 5
Flogger 3
Breath Control 4

and locations

Tits 2
Pussy 1
Back 5
Legs 3
Ass 6
Feet 4

but my day doesnt end there. i think i got up a little after midnight to put everything away, i have to get up at 4:20 am mind you, for work. so Mr. Hubby suggests that we pull an all nighter, cuz he got up really late and wasnt sleepy either. and after a scene i always get an adrenalin rush and get really hungry. so we watched a movie and then we laid down and talked for a long time, played some, he bit my ass and i gave him head for a long time.. He eventually turned on one of the lamps above the bed and watched me give him head, that was different because we usually do everything in the dark lol. so that was nice. he came 5 minutes before my alarm went off lol. we got up and he made me a drink and i went in to say good bye to Miss Fran, i always get so sad when i have to leave. but the whole day was perfect. everything felt in place and right. except the leaving part. that never feels right. so here i am going on my 29th hour of no sleep, and im am a glad panda. im so happy.

nothing but the same

2007-06-01T16:28:00.000-07:00

To maintain honest and open communication and be treated with nothing but the same"

that is a quote from O/our contract. to me it means that on that one thing that W/we are on the same level. that i can expect the same amount of communication, that She requires from me. communication is so important in keeping everything balanced. if you keep things to yourself, or if She were to keep things to Herself.. and theres a problem, how am i supposed to fix it, if She doesnt communicate to me what im doing wrong? and vise versa, if i have an issue, then She cant understand or even come up with a solution if She doesnt know about it.

uninhibited.

2007-05-31T16:52:00.000-07:00

What does this statement mean to you?
"To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with my capability to serve, and limit my growth as a submissive"

in order to grow as a sub i have to let all my inhibitions go. one of my biggest inhibitions has been nakedness. i dont know if i can say that im over it, i think its more like i dont have a choice. lol. i dont like seeing myself naked, how can i expect anyone else to? im over that mindset now. i am becoming more comfortable in my own skin. and besides.. im determined that i wont be like this forever! lol. thats just one example tho. one of the biggest obsticals i need to over come is my fear of talking. i am an introvert. i keep things to myself, let them fester, untill they blow up. its almost like i have to stop thinking for myself. that sounds weird, but, if i think for myself, i am going to blow things way out of proportion. a insanely bad habbit of mine. things would be so much simpler if i would just talk about that thing in the first place! *smacks forhead* that statement means that if i am honest, and remember my place, then letting go of my inhibitions will not only help me be a better submissive but help me to grow, and learn more, and use what ive learned properly. so really, it is in my best intrest to not feel guilt or shame, and if ive done nothing wrong then there will be no need to feel either of those two emotions.

Thankful Thursdays VIII

2007-05-31T16:35:00.000-07:00

im thankful that:

1. im going to leavenworth this weekend

2. i had a short week at work

3. there's an extra paycheck this month

4. i finally experianced the paddle this past weekend

5. my little brother got glasses this week and he is such a little stud muffin

6. the pool is heated and ready for swimmin!

7. i have Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby :D

8. i have a family that is trustworthy

9. i got to see a puppy min pin on monday! soooo cute

10. that kaya had an amazing post today on her blog

commandments

2007-05-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

What does this statement mean to you?
"i agree To obey given commands to the best of my ability"
it means that unless i have a really good, valid excuese i better do it. but the whole thing of it is, is that i should want to do things for my Mistress. i want to please Her. She doesnt ask much of me at all. i know that. but im still getting into the groove of things. ive been out of this lifestyle for a long time. i hope i havent done a miserable job of it, i know ive certinly botched a few commandments, thats for sure.. *cough* last weekend *cough* but i know i am trying.. but to the best of my ability? probablly not. im very sorry to admit that. i know that my strong will, and independance has been a hinderance. and now that i have admitted to myself that maybe i havent been doing my best, things will change. i want to do my best for Her, i certinly want Her to want to keep me around. i dont want to have to fight to keep my place in Her life, as Her sub or otherwise. so i better get my act togeather. ive sort of had an ephiny while writing this post. i havent been keeping up my end of the contract. i beg forgivness from Her, and i hope She is still willing to let me prove myself.

Visual....

2007-05-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

Scroll down to see wicked's red (and white spotted) ass after receiving her whomping from the "boat oar"

~~Miss Fran

code red

2007-05-29T17:45:00.000-07:00

Tell Me about your safeword and what it means to you. Also tell Me about your other option.

my safeword is red. i think red a pretty common safeword within the D/s circle. red in my contract means that the scene will only stop or slow temporarily. in my experiance, that is pretty uncommon. red usually means that the scene is stoped, and will not continue. i dont have one of those. typically yellow is another safe word used to stop or slow a scene temporarily. my other option is a verbal queue. "i wish to speak to You" to indicate distress without the use of a safeword.

a lot of people have limits. safewords are used when that limit has been pushed. i have never used a safeword.. altho, i have come close. Miss Fran is not the only one pushing me, i am pushing myself. pushing myself through the pain, pushing myself to take more. pushing myself to not disapoint Her by using my safeword.

my safeword to me, means that, i need a break from whatever Miss Fran is doing to me. before i entered into this relationship, i was niave enough to think that i had a somewhat high pain tollerance. ha! after reading some of the blogs out there, i am a pansy ass. lol. but i hope that She continues to push me, and that i push myself. and that a safeword will not be a common occurance

2007-05-28T10:50:00.000-07:00

What do these statements mean to you?
"i ask that the care of my body be accepted for the fulfillment and enhancement of our sexual, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual needs"
"i ask to be guided in sexual, sensual, or scene-related behavior, in such a way as to further my growth as a person"
"i request of {Miss Fran}, as my Dominant, to use the power vested in this role; to mold and shape me; assisting me to grow in strength, character, confidence, and being"

they mean to me that i have willingly given up my body. that i trust Her to use it how She fits. that i trust Her to do it safely, and not put me in harms way, or risk injury. that my body is for Her benefit, her pleasure. it means that i trust Her to help me grow outside of sceneing, to become a better person, a better submissive. that She will do Her best to mold me in a way that pleases Her.

Cane please!

2007-05-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

goes under a computer chair or something? that have the little spikey things to dig into the carpet. i completely forgot about it, didnt even know what She was going to use it for, i was damn suprised when my ass was on it. She had me roll over and took some pictures. then She asked if i was ready for the paddle. i was scared, She kept rubbing it over my ass, and i was tense of course, She said, "you know its going to hurt more if you tense up.." so i slowly started to relax, and WAM! oh. my. god. i thought i was paralysed. i thought i would never walk again. i started crying instantly. never felt anything like that before in my life. ever. it hurt so bad, it felt like She had hit me across the tail bone and i thought i wouldnt be able to walk for a week. She showed me pictures and it left really weirdlast night Miss Fran and i had a little play time. if felt a lot different from times before. ive been wearing my everyday collar for about 3 weeks now.. well 2 because i accidentally forgot it and had to go without it for a week :( but last night i wore my collar collar. and my wrist cuffs and ankle cuffs. all matching. we never got to using the ankle cuffs. She linked my hands behind my back and then linked them to my collar with some nylon rope. then She blindfolded me, and bent me over the bed. She used the cane a few times, and asked me if i wanted 5 medium hits of the cane, or one hard hit from the paddle. now let me tell you about this paddle. this thing could EASILY be used for a boat oar. easily. it is huge. and it looks even bigger because it gets used on my ass. and granted, i had probablly already gotten about 5 hits of the cane, but i figured nothing She had could be worse than that cane. so i said i wanted one of the paddle. ive never been hit anywhere hard with it. She lead me over, and had me lay on my back, and a couple of months ago She had me go to home depot and pick up a floor runner.. you know the kind that marks on my ass, i will have to have Her put it on here so you can see.

i felt that hit throughout my whole body, and She said it wasnt even really hard, maybe medium hard at best. afterwards i got on the bed and She laid with me, petting me like i love, especially after playing.. we talked about how i am supposed to act when that purple collar is on. and today i go and fuck everything up. more on that another time probablly.. have a good memorial day everyone

Discipline and Punnishment

2007-05-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

there is an obvious difference between discipline and punnishment to me. discipline is getting up and making Her bed on the days i am here. discipline is asking to sit at the table to eat, or to sit on the couch before watching a movie. discipline is doing all my daily assignments and tasks before any sort of entertainment. punnishment incurs when i dont do those things. like last week, when i went to seattle with my sister before doing my tasks. i had to hand write "i will do my assignments before any entertainment. i am sorry for forgetting, especially so soon after a warning." 200 times. that is a punnishment. discipline in a D/s relationship isnt really any different than any vanilla person. just like you have to discipline yourself to eat right or excersize(the punnishment for that is getting overweight, and incuring health problems), you have to discipline yourself to put your Master or Mistress first, that is the ultimate task of discipline, putting yourself last.

thankful thursdays VII

2007-05-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

im thankful that:

1. it is a beautiful day outside, and the pool is sparkly blue. im thinking ill go up and sit on the balcony and play WoW when im done with my assignments

2. i have friday and monday off! wOot!

3. my sister has gotten me into scrapbooking and i made my first scrapbook page

4. my tattoo isnt so red any more. just a tiny tiny bit

5. my mom is starting to cook better at home

6. that i finally had a full paycheck this week!

7. i have 77 hours of vacation rolling over at the end of next week

8. i get to sleep in tomorrow

9. my favoritest show ever starts tonight!! so you think you can dance

10. my sister is off early today and is on her way home :D we is gonna scrapbook i think

american idol

2007-05-23T20:08:00.000-07:00

i was watching the finale tonight, and gwen stephani was on and she sang this song. i thought it was an awesome song. so i thought i would share it. its called 4 in the morning. oh.. and i hope blake wins!!!

Wakin up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had it’s say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think, when I let it sink in
It’s all over me
I know you’re here, in the dark
I’m watchin' you sleep, it hurts a lot

[Bridge]
And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything
And nothing less, 'cause you know I’d give you all of me

[Chorus]
I’d give you everything that I am
I’m handin over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I wanna make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time
Baby if we’re gonna do it come and do it right

All I wanted was to know I'm safe
Don’t wanna lose the love I found
Remember when you said that you would change
Don’t let me down
It’s not fair, how you are
I can’t be complete, can you give me more

[Bridge]
And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything
And nothing less, 'cause you know I’d give you all of me

[Chorus]
I’d give you everything that I am
I’m handin over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I wanna make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time
Baby if we’re gonna do it come and do it right

Oh please, you know what I need
Save all your lovin for me
We can’t escape the love
With everything that you have

[Bridge]
And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything
And nothing less, 'cause you know I’d give you all of me

[Chorus]
I’d give you everything that I am
I’m handin over everything that I’ve got
Cause I wanna have a really true love
Don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up
Stay up till four in the morning and the tears are pouring
And I wanna make it worth the fight
What have we been doing for all this time
Baby if we’re gonna do it come and do it right

grapes are yummy!

2007-05-23T16:10:00.000-07:00

Today is 3 months since we first met. What have you learned about yourself in the last 3 months? What do you still need/want to learn? Expand on this. <------blog assignment

it feels longer than 3 months in someways and shorter than that in others, to me. i remember sitting in the resteraunt tearing up my straw paper, hiding behind my hair. Miss Fran called me and told me that They were there. i was so nervous. They walked in.. i didnt see Them because i was hiding.. They walked up and She told me to scoot over, and asked why i was hiding. lol She was so laugh-y and i remember She had Her arm around my shoulders and was playing with the bare skin above my breasts.. nuzzling my neck.. They both kept laughing at my nervousness, trying to bring me out of it. the people at the table across from us were looking at us weird.. and She loved that. i think secretly She loves to cause a scene. :D

ive learned a lot about myself.. does one learn to have more self confidance? or does one just get it? lol... either way, i feel like i have more of it. ive learned that even tho this relationship might not be healthy in "vanilla terms" it feels healthy to me. that its a wonderful thing to be happy in a relationship. ive never had that.. at least not for very long. if at all. im learning to open up, to talk, to reveal my feelings to not be ashamed, or shy because of them. ive learned that i hate disapointing Her.. i feel like ive done my fair share of it lately. i guess im still at the stage, where i dont have enough confidance in the relationship.. because sometimes im still afraid that "this is gonna be it" that everything is going to come to an end because i disapointed Her. i guess that means i dont have enough confidance in Her either.. i proved that last night. im learning to make toys! sometimes its tedious work, but the work is fruitful! ive made 3 floggers so far, all of them out of nylon rope, and im sure a lot of Y/you out there are snickering and muttering "pansy" under your breath. lol. this last weekend i looked at a page for making leather toys. i havent "graduated" to leather yet. ive learned that it takes A LOT OF WORK to keep 3 people happy in a relationship. Mr. Hubby today made a comment about asking myself if its worth it. and my response to that was.. that ive never had to ask myself that concerning the two of You... and i think He might not have understood what i meant by that.. waat i meant was.. that its never crossed my mind that its not worth it. i never had to ask myself if its worth it, because of course its worth it! ive learned that i was affection starved before i met Them. when i get to Their house after not being with Them all week, and i hug Her, put my face in Her neck, i feel everything just sort of slide off my back so to say.. my shoulders lower about 5 inches lol, and i can breathe again. i swear She smells like grapes sometimes. lol. neither of U/us knows why. and ive also learned that i love to be affectionate back. i think i am finally getting over my shyness when it comes to being affectionate, when it comes to initiating it. i have no problem recieving it. hehe. ive learned that with Them, i need to deal in specifics. generalizations leave too much room for error. and im not used to being specific.

what do i still need to learn. i need to learn to not get defensive. i need to learn to listen and take things with a grain of salt. i need to learn to not expect the worst to happen. i need to learn to be more patient. i need to learn to be more specific. i need to learn to be more obedient. the word obedient reminds me of a song we used to sing in sunday school. i think the last line is something to the effect of, "obedience is the very best way to show that you belive"..or care. or something like that. i need/want to learn to not be a cry baby!

and finally, what do i want to learn? i want to learn how to compromise better. i want to learn Them. to understand Them better. i also WANT to learn to be more obedient. better yet, i want to learn to do what She wants, before She asks. i envy a lot of you out there, i envy your attitude, your disposition, your knowledge. i want to learn to not be so strong willed, and independant, because right now i feel that those things are keeping me from being a better submissive. i want to learn to communicate better. i know it is one of the most important things to Her. and i know i need a lot more work on it. i want to learn to keep my emotions in check.. i think that would help me a lot in communicating better.

intent

2007-05-22T15:03:00.000-07:00

In our contract it says that you agree:
To maintain honest and open communication and be treated with nothing but the same.
To strive to reveal my thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment. This is quoted directly from the contract on page 2. Do you feel that what happened on Sunday was in line with the intent of this contract?If so, explain.If not, explain.I would also like for you to list at least 3 solutions as to how we can each improve communication <---blog assignment for today

at no point on sunday did i refuse to talk about the situation. i had said that i didnt want to talk about it right now, yes. i dont belive that was out of line in any way.. the contract says "strive to reveal my thougts, feelings and desires without hesitation or embarassment."

strive - to try very hard or struggle

communication is something ive struggled with my entire life. i have been trying very hard to get better at it and at least i, feel that i have improved a lot since 4 months ago. i dont think anything happened that was out of line as far as the contracts intent. at all. if i dont have an option of wanting to talk about it at a later time then maybe that should be added in.

as far as solutions go..

dont push. panic comes swift and easily. telling me ive got 30 seconds to talk or go home.. is going to push me to go home. talking or going home isnt an option, its an ultimadum. no one responds well to those. when You sit there getting angry at my tears.. that certinly isnt going to make me open up any easier or faster. it makes it so much harder. Your upset before i even say anything. it makes me think that the rest isnt going to go any better

dont be jealous. there isnt anything to be jealous of. i love BOTH of You very much.

give me time to gather my thoughts and emotions.. my courage. i know by now that not talking isnt an option. i know that. so when i sit there im not trying to get out of it or refusing to talk.

as for me.. i dont know what i could to to improve on listening.. as You havent told me of anything that i need to pay attention to. You told me on sunday, that in the begening of the relationship You had the attitude of "well is she isnt going to talk to Me then im not going to talk to her" i belive W/we are over that. as i feel that i have improved a great deal. maybe You disagree. i dont know.
patience with eachother is key

understanding that one has a hardship, and the other doesnt is important also.

and comming to the middle so that neither of us feels pushed or pulled.

communication.

2007-05-21T16:20:00.000-07:00

communication isnt really something ive been good at.. ever. i dont talk to my parents, i dont talk to my siblings.. not even really to my friends. communitation means:
The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior. i know where my lack of communication stems from.. it was about 9 years ago. when i confided in my parents about something that had happened to my sister and i.. and they did nothing. in my short history of relationships communication didnt get any better.

sunday when i got up Miss Fran sat with me and told me that i would no longer be sleeping with Mr. Hubby. that i would be sleeping on the couch from now on. She said that if She didnt get to sleep with him, then i wouldnt be either. Mr. Hubby is a light sleeper, so any sort of noise (snoring hehe) will keep him up. so They sleep in seperate bedrooms.
before i met Them i had never slept with anyone. He is the first person i ever spent the night with, in the boyfriend girlfriend context. i understood where She was comming from, i would be upset in Her position too. its something that has become important to me. They are a lot of firsts for me.. They are both the only people ive said i love you to face to face.. its an emotional thing.. not a sex thing when it comes to sleeping with Them. so sunday when She told me this i was really upset.. i had wrote in a previous blog that i was hoping to sleep with Her this weekend also. the more upset about something i am, the less i want to talk about it. i hate crying, i hate anyone seeing me cry. i am a cryer. i cry all the damn time. i have this bad habbit of thinking the worst is going to happen.. that im going to get the worst reaction when i say something. She gave me some time.. and when Mr Hubby got up He asked me what was wrong and i just didnt want to talk about it at that time.. i wasnt upset anymore.. had stopped crying.. and i didnt want to start again. i just wanted to wait till i could get to the point where i wouldnt cry. Miss Fran told me i could talk.. or go home. that made me start crying more. its not that i was refusing to talk.. i just didnt want to talk then. i dont want to sit here with puffy eyes, runny nose, crying in front of them. honestly i almost left. i was mad, angry that She was forcing me. She would say to that.. that i had a choice. but thats no choice. walking away is never a choice. She said sitting there and crying wasnt an option, and that i had 30 seconds to start talking or go home. i wanted to scream. so i finally pushed myself to start talking.. that im not upset because i cant sleep with HIM.. but because i cant sleep with ANYone. yes i sleep alone when im at home.. but it sucks then too. lol we talked and tryed to come up with a solution. He said he would sleep with Her one night a week. She would sleep with me one night a week, and he would sleep with me one night a week. of course He was quick to point out that i was the only one not giving up anything.. part of the problem is that She doesnt like His bed.. so not matter what, someone is going to be losing sleep. i am very greatful that They are willing to compromise. last night all three of U/us tried to sleep in the big bed.. lol along with a dog. it didnt last long.. He ended up in her bed eventually, and She and the dog stayed with me. i always make thing out to be worse than they are. i thought i would be stuck sleeping on the couch forever :( but thats not the case.. at least not right now :D

its friday!!

2007-05-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

it was a good day.. a little slow at work.. because im going over to Miss Frans house im sure. i have to leave now.. i have to hang up Her clothes and dye some nylon rope so i can make a new flogger this weekend. im excited! i like making stuff like that. W/we are supposed to go to some sort of festival thingy tomorrow. i hope the weather holds out. i get to see a puppy too! maybe.. i hope Y/you all have a good weekend!!!!

Thankful Thursdays VI

2007-05-17T18:45:00.000-07:00

im thankful that:

1. W/we signed contracts last friday

2. i have my tattoo

3. my parents are out of town for a couple of days!

4. work is going so much better now

5. my friend is here from florida

6. i might get to see a yorkie puppy this weekend!

7. the pool is getting cleaned!

8. the hot tub works finally.. even if it is still a little gree

9. the chiropractor poped my back today and i feel awesome!

10. the weather is so nice outside

loving

2007-05-17T16:41:00.000-07:00

ah.. finally we come to loving. i belong to a yahoo group for D/s noobs. and a question was posted last week about if love is a must in any BDSM relationship.. and my first thought was.. of course it is! its weird to see how different people reacted to that question. a couple of weeks ago, Miss Fran posted about devotion. for me love and devotion go hand and hand, how can you be completely devoted to someone, and not love them, or at least feel for them a great deal? and if you love someone, how can you not be completely devoted? there are lots of ways to show love. but for me the best way to show love is to do what She asks of me, not grudgingly, but because i love Her and i know that doing those things makes Her happy

comforting

2007-05-16T15:44:00.000-07:00

comfort has many forms. i have certian tasks to do when i am at Miss Frans house.. more will come when i start spending more time there. She is teaching me how to do Her laundry.. i make Her bed every morning.. those things are chores for me.. requirements.. but i would do them even if they wernt. just like sending Her a good morning message before i go to work.. that is not a requirement.. but i know She likes it, She enjoys them.. they are a sort of comfort to Her.. and as a sub, Her comfort always comes before mine. when i sleep with Her (which isnt often.. im hoping to maybe sneak a night in this weekend hehe) She plays with my hair, or just runs Her hands over me.. touching is a big thing for me.. so thats one way She is a comfort to me. i feel that comfort goes both ways.. and i think that W/we both do a good job of comforting E/eachother

obedient

2007-05-15T15:26:00.000-07:00

obedience is probablly one of the most important parts of O/our relationship. either i obey. or i can go home.. so to say. i can do whats asked or not bother doing anything at all. those are the terms of O/our relationship. when you love someone you want to do what makes them happy.. everyone slips. even the most experianced of subs. im lucky to be with Miss Fran, lucky that W/we are going through the trial and error togeather. She is fair.. i see that.. even though at the time of infraction, i may not.

respectful

2007-05-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

respect for me in this relationship is a lot of things.. i have to respect Her rules.. Her moods.. learning to read them has been hard, but i think im getting better. i have to respect Her as my Domme.. as my Girlfriend, my Friend.. my everything. to me my recently aquired tattoo represents a lot of things.. but first and formost.. a sort of permanance. i was scared when She told me i was getting the tattoo.. not because of the pain, however i was wary about that as well, but mostly it was because i knew i would always carry Her mark.. and for a split second i doubted myself.. wondered if i was ready. and if i wasnt i knew that that would be ok too.. i respect Her for Her kindness and patience with me.. i know its taken a lot.. especially patience. i have no more doubts about this Relationship, or tattoo.. or anything.

cheeky

2007-05-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

hmm.. i think cheeky is something that a sub should use sparingly... and only in the private audience with her Domme.. never in public. i think its just a fun way to keep things light.. my personal favorites are licking.. kissing.. funny faces.. but never do them during a scene.. that would be bad. i love to have fun with Miss Fran just as much as i like to play and scene.

thankful

2007-05-12T18:45:00.000-07:00

thankful is a good trait for anyone to have. im thankful for so many things.. i post about them every week. i feel bad when it takes me a while to come up with the 10 that is required of me. a sub should always be thankful. a few things i am thankful for concerning Miss Fran.. we are the same height.. so when i hug her my face fits in Her neck.. when we lay in bed naked and i lay my head on Her chest Her skin is so soft and smooth there.. i dont know how to explain thankfulness.. i know that my parents brought me up to always say my p's and que's. but i am so thankful for Miss Fran, for my new collar, for my new tattoo.. which is my icon picture..

you mofo's!

2007-05-11T15:51:00.001-07:00

happy friday! i hope E/everyone has a great weekend and a wonderful Mothers Day!

unobtrusive

2007-05-11T15:45:00.000-07:00

in my opinion i think a sub should never seek attention. she should be quiet, sort of in the background. she should stay put, untill her Mistress requests something from her.. she should be seen and not heard in a sense, to speak when spoken to. she should not be assertive, should never be undesireably noticeable. she should always represent her Mistress in the best possible way, dress and appearance, and her disposition.

Thankful Thursdays V

2007-05-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

im thankful that:

1. Miss Fran got me a present :D

2. figured out what is wrong with my back

3. my teeth are finally almost healed

4. my back is feeling better.. sort of

5. Andrea is my friend, and got a new job

6. i have my Mom :D

7. Kaycee isnt hurt very bad

8. the weather is beautiful outside!

9. Miss Fran, Mr. Hubby and i had a full week without any problems! yay!

10. most of all, im thankful that i am finding myself with Them, that They still want me.. and that Miss Fran wants to collar me

giving

2007-05-10T15:31:00.000-07:00

ive always been a giver, as i said in a previous post. i love birthdays, christmas, silly holidays.. i love buying presents. but in a D/s relationship, giving is about so much more. its about giving your body, soul, and trust. and in O/our case, my heart as well. ive always given those things maybe a little too freely in the past.. at least my heart. im not slut.. at least not the text book term slut. i can count the amount of people with on less than 2 hands. but thats neither here nor there. when i give myself, i can easily see how it pleases Her.. just today She told me She bought me a present because ive been such a good girl this week. giving goes both ways. always. you give everything and do everything to make sure the One you love is happy :)

trusting

2007-05-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

trust is important in any relationship. but i think its even more so in one like O/ours. i need to trust Her to not push me too far. i have to trust Her with my body. She has to trust that ill always be honest with my feelings and emotions. that i will always be an open book. that She will always have a clear head, and a steady hand. that She will always be fair to me. not ask too much. not set me up for failure. that She will always be there for me.

unassuming

2007-05-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

Miss Fran asked me to do seperate post on each of the 10 things that i listed for good qualities in a sub. And the first is unassuming. a sub should never assume anything. assume - means make an ASS out of U and ME. a sub should never assume she gets to sit on the couch during the movie. a sub should never assume that she gets to sit at the table at dinner. she should always assume that her tasks should always be done, unless otherwise instructed. a sub should always assume that her obligation is first and formost to her Mistress. a sub should never assume that she has a right to herself. her body is not her own.

i wuv you!

2007-05-07T16:06:00.000-07:00

Miss Fran said i love you this morning. =D for the first time.. i said it back, it made my day. w0oT! i was only supposed to stay friday night but ended up staying all weekend because L's daughter didnt end up comming to stay. saturday night Miss Fran and i played. its been her goal to leave brusises on my poor bottom. lol and my bottom is very resiliant. it will get red.. but wont bruise :( She used the crop, paint stirrer, the big paddle. which was scarry.. she asked if i was ready for one hard one.. and i got introuble for not answering right away because i didnt know the answer to it.. part of me wanted to get a hard one out of the way but part of me was scared that it would be too much.. it is one big ass paddle, more like a boat oar. in the end she didnt feel i was ready. so i took a couple of not so hard ones. i was laying face down on her bed, unrestrained, which was weird. and took a lot of work, because i squirm a lot. i got my everyday collar also this weekend. i loooooove it! i wore it a good part of the weekend, and even to work today. i had such a good day. i really think things are looking up. im so excited!

thankful thursdays VI

2007-05-03T18:20:00.000-07:00

im so thankful:

1. that i am working things out with C and L

2. that Miss Fran let me come over on a work night (last night)

3. that i get to go back after work tomorrow

4. we have neighbors that have the cutest Bull dog named Booker

5. that ive lost another 10 lbs

6. that i love my vegetables

7. that my sister got a promotion at work

8. i got to hang out with my friend Christa for a little bit today

9. greys anatomy is on for 2 hours tonight

10. tomorrow is friday!!!!

10 things i love about subs

2007-05-02T17:08:00.000-07:00

Miss Fran asked me to do a post on 10 qualities that i think a good sub should possess.

1. unassuming

2. trusting

3. giving

4. unobtrusive

5. thankful

6. cheeky

7. respectful

8. obedient

9. comforting

10. loving

oh!

2007-05-02T16:38:00.000-07:00

cant believe i forgot to add this.. Miss Fran said She wants to collar me *clapps excitedly* she told me out of the blue yesterday, and with all of the setbacks we have been having it was the last thing i was expecting to hear.. i am so excited! wish U/us luck!

i love the way you love

2007-05-02T16:23:00.000-07:00

i just sort of had an ephiany.. instead of focusing on the things that are weighing me down, i need to look to the future.. to things that are comming.. that i am so excited for.. surgery, its going to change my life.. and i cant wait. my life with C and L, spending time with them, moving foward in our relationship, i am so excited for those things to come.. a new job.. i just have to get through all the sludge (not C and L.. they arent sludge at all) but all that stuff that i feel holding me down.. and back. i cant wait to get through it all. and get to the good stuff :D

nails anyone?

2007-05-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

i used to go to a munch.. the girl and her husband how headed it up were hardcore people.. i saw pictures of her with her mouth nailed shut.. literally. ive decided that METAPHORICALLY, thats what im going to do. im going to shut the hell up. im going to do what im told and not say anything about it. just do it. i want to make Her happy.. i have to be what makes Her happy

lo lo lo love, im talkin about love!

2007-04-30T19:35:00.000-07:00

you talk to anyone of my ex's, and one thing they will all agree on is that i give. im a giver. when im with someone im Theirs.. i will give anything, everything. i give too much.. i dont ask for anything.. maybe thats my problem.. maybe i need to be the one to ask for a change.. but i dont want to be a taker. i like being the giver, i like being out somewhere, seeing something that i think You might like.. or need.. and picking it up. i like buying presents for holidays like easter or halloween.. i like having an excuese to buy You things. thats how i am. in my eyes the word relationship is is paralell with devotion. how can you be in any sort of relationship with someone if your not devoted? and more.. how can you love someone and not be devoted. why do i love C and L?
*i love how they make me feel... both togeather and seperate.
*because if feels right
*something slides into place and *clicks*
*i love how they are helping me over come my inability to open up. not talking isnt something i dont WANT to do.. its a defence mechinism, thatn i am getting over.. i like talking now that i know i dont have to worry about what the outcome will be.. i dont ever have to worry about an outcome.. or at least a bad one
*i love them because of how they treat me... i know this is how im supposed to be treated.. sure i could find someone else who would treat me the same way.. but i dont want anyone else.. there was i time when i thought that i couldnt get anyone.. i know my own self value now.. but i pick them.. i want them
*i love how they touch me.. a hand across the back, a squeese on the back of my neck, fingers through my hair, teeth in my shoulder, a smack on my ass.. and i love how they make me unafraid to touch them back, in anyway i want
*i love how its everything i want.. a husband, a wife, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a Domme, a sub. THOSE ARE THINGS I WANT.

You wont find anyone that will ever love You more, that will give more.. that will offer more.. just give me the chance. lets work togeather to fix mistakes.. i dont want to worry about when the end will come.. i dont want an end to come.. ever. can we avoid one? i dont know, i dont know if we can compromise enough to avoid one. but i know we can have a now.

i never knew what that thing down there was used for

2007-04-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

life is a balancing act. and right now i feel like i am doing a piss poor job of balancing. i feel like im going to collapse under it all. i feel like everyone wants to demand everything of me.. so i work my ass off, doing my best.. but i never get a "good job, thank you, thats great, andrea" i just get asked for more.. or bitched at. and this is from everyone.. i am not someone who does anything half way. anyone who knows me will tell you that.

regretts

2007-04-29T00:18:00.000-07:00

i know tomorrow i will probablly regret writing this past entry, thinking that i shouldnt have done it 15 minutes after taking pain meds. this is my blog. a spot to write down what im thinking and feeling. i shouldnt be worried about being punnished for how i feel. and right now, this is how i feel. im sorry, im appoligizing in advance, if i forgot my place. or anything else You feel i did wrong. i keep things inside, and blow things out of proportion. You know that. but i mean what i said today, i love You, i love Mr. Hubby, i want things to work out so badly. ill do anything..

nothing's ever good enough

2007-04-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

i keep trying and trying, it doesnt seem to be doing any good. i have assignments.. or i did, still do.. not sure. masturbating 3 times a day, then down to 2 times for 15 minutes each.. writing in my blog, walking for 10 minutes. now, reading a new blog, leaving comments. not a lot by themselves. i was having trouble keeping up, doing those things on top of the things i have to do at home, for my family, my own chores at home, laundry, helping with dinner, cleaning the kitchen, my own down time. maybe im not supposed to have any, does it make me a bad sub for being concerned with that? i have no idea, i do know that its something i need. i need time in a day to relax.. i brought it up that it was a little much, She told me its ok, she couldnt be concerned with keeping track of all of it. that hurt. a lot. so i quit doing some of it.. didnt do a blog everyday, which she know's i have trouble with keeping up with a blog anyways, i just need a specific subject to write on, i dont mind doing it, i really dont. i dont put other things first.. i dont put "watching tv, or going out" before assigments.. one, because i was told they werent a priority, and they couldnt be concerned with anymore. and they only reason i go out is because i cant be there with Her.. if i were there, i wouldnt go out, and i wouldnt have to do a blog anyways. not an excuese i know. but dont i get some slack? i had 4 teeth pulled out of my head yesterday, im on pain meds and cant remember half of my day anyways???? i tell her how i feel today and i dont get anything but complaints. how do you think that makes me feel?!?!?!?!? like shit! she said last weekend she wasnt giving me enough credit.. and she still isnt. im trying my hardest here.. i really am. does she think i would slack in the one thing thats really important to me right now?? oviously she does. and i cant do anything about it. ive tried to make her see that im not going to do what she thinks. no one can change her mind but her. ive tried and tried. there's just so much going on and i feel like im drowning in everything.. i just need everyone to let up just a little.. im struggling so hard with work, making sure my bills are paid, this relationship, my family, surgery. im just having a hard time i dont get why everyone keeps pushing and pushing. im giving all i can, and i think its a lot damnit! but its never been enough for anyone.

thankful thursdays III

2007-04-26T20:50:00.000-07:00

im thankful that:

1. L gets to spend time with his daughter this weekend

2. im getting my teeth fixed tomorrow

3. i get pain meds tomorrow

4. i get to sleep in on a friday

5. things are progressing slowly but surely in my relationship with Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby

6. im not in school anymore and dont have to take the SAT's. i hated filling in all those damn bubbles

7. that i have internet at my house for my lap top now

8. that my dad knows a lot about cars so i dont have to pay for a mechanic

9. its almost time for flip flops, although in my opinion anytime is time for flip flops

10. my feet are warm

the change

2007-04-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

i get to Miss Frans house saturday and waited for her to get home.. she gets home, and i have to say its a great feeling when im there waiting with Mr. Hubby, and she walks in the door, its like everything "clicks" she came bearing new toys. a matching set of ankle, thigh and wrist cuffs, and a collar.. all in purple. and they all fit for the most part. my tooth has been bothering me a lot lately, i went to the doctor last week, and this friday im having all four wisdom teeth pulled. ive been taking tylenol every four hours, but it never lasts that long. sunday i worked on the adjustable straps for the bed and got those all done and taken care of. we went to the gym and worked out. i like going, its fun. but i think i hurt my back stretching or poping it.. and i was in a lot of pain with that and my teeth. but i knew Miss Fran wanted to play that night.. i wanted to also. but i just kept feeling worse and worse as the day went on.. and when it came to play time i was near tears, i was in a lot of pain, and just didnt feel good, but i know that She wanted to play, She droped a few hints through out the day.. i really wanted to make Her happy, i was putting on my ankle cuffs and it was so painful i started to get teary eyed, and she asked whats wrong, and i didnt want to dissapoint Her, She asked me to lay down on the bed with my head in Her lap, and She was petting my hair and She felt my forhead and i had a little bit of a fever. i started to cry and She told me to talk to Her, and i told Her that i knew She wanted to play.. She later said that She hadnt been giving me enought credit. we went to bed, and i ended up calling in sick to work the next day, i didnt get much sleep. we went to costco and watched a movie. then i stayed another night and went to work in the morning. Miss Fran had to get up early for work too so it was nice getting up with her. tomorrow is gonna be a hectic day at work, and miss Fran is going to be at my work, working but i dont think ill be able to see her :( and im not too sure how ill feel after getting four teeth pulled.. hopefully ill feel up to seeing them this weekend. i havent spent a weekend without them since ive met them.

why am i loved only when im gone?

2007-04-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

this weekend with Miss Fran and Mr Hubby started on saturday afternoon. im always so happy to see them after not seeing them during the week. we were watching a movie and Mr Hubby went to bed early and told us to wake him up a little later.. we watched the rest of the movie and then went to wake him up, and we were having trouble convincing him to get up so Miss Fran had me talk dirty to him.. and that woke him up :) i got to suck him off for a little bit and then i asked him very nicely to fuck me.. i even said please! but He said no.. that i had to fuck him.. so i climbed on and fucked him. then we all got up and went to watch Little Brittan and if none of You have seen it.. you need to. especially if you like british humor. we all went to bed.. and i was supposed to sleep with Miss Fran but ended up with Mr Hubby, and we spent a lot of time, a couple of hours at least talking.. about my jealousy issues, about sharing, bringing other people into things, about how He has had walls up with me from the begening, but now they aren't there.. and that He's falling in love with me.. it made me cry.. in a good way :) it was a relief to know that im not the only one.. because im on the way down from falling in love.. and just about to land on IN love..lol with both of them.. falling in love has always happened fast for me.. and every time before now.. ive regretted it. regretted not taking the time to go slower. and i certinly did try hard to go slow this time, but no matter what walls i do have up, i still wear my heart on the sleeve.. and ill lose my heart.. not lose.. but give it to them.. but im not afraid this time. i want to live in the now.. not worry about later. We'll deal with later when it comes.. and im going to do my best to make sure that that "later" never comes.. or at least not for a very very long time. so, after talking for a long time.. we had sex again, and i came.. even if i did still have to rub my clit.. it was amazing, and i cryed again..lol i cry a lot. so sunday we went and worked out at the YMCA and let me tell you what. im still hurting like crazy! but it was so much fun! we did weights for a little bit then we went and played raquett ball and that was the funnest part. one day we'll kick his butt *evil grin* then we went home and went to walmart and did all the shopping, and i made a wow account when we got back. so we all made new chars and played for a while. then it was time to bed. i was going to sleep with Miss Fran but i didnt want to sleep in Her bed.. i went about things all wrong sunday night.. i complained when i should have gone about it all different.. she eneded up thinking that i didnt like sleeping with her.. which isnt the case at all! except she likes to punch me in the face when i sleep =P (it only happened once and it was an accident) so she got mad and yelled.. i got upset, moved my sleeping stuff out to the living room and ended up sleeping on the couch.. alone.. and with no blankie ='( we have all talked things out and things are fine.. till next sunday when im sure something new will come up.. as they always seem to come up on sunday for some reason. i went to the dentist today, and over all things are a lot better in this big mouth of mine then i thought they would be! thank goodness for that. wow.. long post

kumkwat

2007-04-16T21:07:00.000-07:00

im supposed to write about this weekend.. but im hoping that its ok that i do it tomorrow.. i am so tired, and in a lot of pain (will explain further tomorrow) i got some work pants at walmart.. $8.50 lets hear it for walmart clearance! Miss Fran went to bed already so hopefully this is ok *cowers* hehe

at least somebody's smilin

2007-04-13T23:30:00.000-07:00

i met my friends brother tonight.. he just got out of prison and is super annoying. we went to hooters for a drink, the girls were dissapointing, and the drinks were weak. i ordered the strongest one i could think of, a long island ice tea, and it didnt even cause me to make a face.. everyone is in a bad mood, and its making me be in one too.. first my friend is bitchy to me, then my other friends brother is a bitch to my sister.. then my sister is a bitch to me for killing a spider for her, because i smeared a tiny little bit of it on the floor, most of it was still on the wall! im tired.. so im going to bed and hope i sleep it off

thankful thursdays II

2007-04-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

im thankful that:

1. we got a new girl to help out at work! yay!
2. my parents are fair and patient
3. i got my new computer
4. Miss Fran and Mister Hubby are very patient with my neurosis
5. that im learning to open up
6. that Miss Fran is learning to be patient
7. that if i have a probem i can speak up about it and not be afraid to talk
8. we have gravity.. so we dont float off into space
9. we have porn
10. that i have both of my grandma's left

she slipped on a kiss and tumbled into love

2007-04-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

friday night we didnt get around to thinking about the liquor store untill it was closed.. so we made due with what we had.. some spiced rum, cherry vodka that tastes like cough syrup.. i made each of us a shot.. Miss Fran didnt take hers.. eventually i took Hers, along with the rest of the bottle.. Mr. Hubby wanted more to drink so i got him some rum to drink.. i kept trying to steal it from Him.. i got two drinks out of it.. when your already drunk spiced rum tastes a lot like cream soda.. i was pretty drunk at this time.. the rest of the night is kinda fuzzy.. i think Miss Fran took the doggies out next.. and when She got back she told me to sit on the floor.. with my hands behind my back.. either i put the blindfold on myself.. or she did. she cuffs on me and linked them togeather behind my back and had me get on my knees.. she had her hands on me.. i *think*. i eventually found my way to the floor with the side of my face pressed against the carpet.. and my pants off.. i dont remember what she used on me.. i thought it was Her crop, but i was mistaken. i believe She had the feather out at one point.. Mr. Hubby was at the computer.. i dont know if He was watching or not.. the next thing i remember is Miss Fran unlinking my cuffs and telling me to masturbate for Her.. She let me keep my blindfold on.. i got onto my back and fought to lean up on my left arm.. the room was spinning like crazy. my right hand busy between my legs, rubbing my clit, as i was very very wet.. my left hand dug into the carpet, i was trying not to fall over. Miss Fran got into my over night bag and got out my purple vibrator and used that on my while i fingered myself.. i dont remember if She told me to cum or if i asked Her if i could... afterwards.. *sigh* She has this amazing.. what i call a bedroom voice.. all deep and sexy, she asked me if it felt good.. and of course it did.. and i told Her so.. i hope is said thank You.. and if i didnt.. im saying it now :D after i remember being at least half naked.. walking around the apartment trying to find all my stuff to go to bed.. and woke up the next morning with the worst hangover ive ever had.. while wandering around Seattle..

beautiful liar

2007-04-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

Miss Fran and i decided yesterday that it was best to extend our trial period another 30 days at least.. none of us.. Miss Fran, Mr. Hubby nor i are ready for something more permanent at this time. but we have worked through whatever problems we had and all are happy i *think* at least as far as i know. everyday after work all i wanna do is just keep drivin north.. lol. and i totally would if i could afford all that gas. so i have to wait like a good girl for the weekends. i love being there with them.. maybe i can talk them into letting me stay sunday night to make up for not staying friday night ;)

it must have been love, but its over now

2007-04-09T17:52:00.000-07:00

the weekend is split down the middle pretty much as far as good/bad goes. saturday, C and i went to the Bodies Exhibit in seattle and it was super fun and interesting, we did tons of walking.. we walked from the ferry to the museum, from the museum to broadway, to a couple of cool sex shops that i knew of, from broadway to pike place market, and from the market back down to the ferry.. we got flowers for easter, and C got me a Fairy figurine =D we talked a lot on the ferry ride back into town.. we got back and went to Wal-mart for the weekly shoping and got back home and watched a movie and went to bed.. sunday i got up and went back to my neck of the woods because my dad wanted me to go to church on easter, so i said hi to some people and drove all the way back to C and L's to find out that plans had changed.. and shit just kinda hit the fan.. there's a lot of things that need to be worked out, and i really really hope that we can work them out.. i care so much about both of them, and im past the point where i can get out of this relationship without being hurt.. i dont want to be without either of them..

thankful thursdays

2007-04-05T21:50:00.000-07:00

things im thankful for
1. that my sister is my best friend
2. that i found C and L
3. that i have a family that loves and supports me
4. that ive never had to need for anything
5. i have lots of friends i can count on and go to if i need anything
6. that my parents raised me with morals and a good head on my shoulders
7. that ive been given a great oppurtunity to improve my health
8. i dont make a lot, and may not have a lot of spending money at the end of the day, but i make enough to pay my bills and have some fun once in a while
9. that we are hiring a new girl at work
10. that i love the people i work with

she totally confused all the passing piranhas

2007-04-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

i dont really have anything to say.. ive tried blogs or journals before.. they never lasted long.. lol this is the longest anything has ever lasted. and its fizzling. lol going to the bodies exhibit this weekend, friends might come to silverdale and hangout, drink a little. im kinda nervous.. cuz ive never had a boyfriend or girlfriend around my friends.. it will be weird. sunday is easter.. i know my parents want me to come to church, but thats not an option. so im going to dinner at the "in-laws." hope that goes ok. im sick of work, and cant wait to get a new job somewhere.

she said why dont you just drop dead

2007-04-03T20:18:00.000-07:00

i made a dentist appointment today.. ive been having really bad tooth aches lately, poping tylenol like crazy.. as a sub, i know i should be more concerned with giving respect than recieveing it.. but outside of the D/s world i really have to say that it really really REALLY pisses me off when i dont get it. from people at work who have no respect for me because i make their food.. because im a service worker.. to my little 12 year old brother who has absolutely no respect for me, who blatently disrespects me on a regular basis, i can stand there, look him in the eye, tell him not to do something, and he'll turn around and do it, over and over again. but if my dad, or mom, or sister were to tell him not to do the same thing he might actually not do it.. but he doesnt realize that his parents are old.. or older.. and that when the time comes, he'll be living with me, and ill make his life hell. :)

grandma should put on a little make up

2007-04-02T17:05:00.002-07:00

this was a good weekend.. She finally told me to get my ass over there friday night.. so after hangin out and having a drink with my friends i drove over.. and proceeded to drink more.. i got all giggly like i tend to get when i drink. i had fun :D saturday we slept in kinda late, cuz we were up late.. "naping" then we went to the movie store and got farce of the penguins.. it wasn't as good as i thought it would be.. but it was funny. and sunday we went to walmart.. i love walmart.. i got my computer business taken care of and bought a cute red computer briefcase thingy.. slash purse. i like purses more than walmart. when we got home i played WoW and was dreading the 7 o'clock hour that was sneaking up on me very fast.. i didnt want to go home.. and i think They knew it.. so they let me stay another night :) i got no sleep.. 2 MAYBE 3 hours.. had to drive an hour into work.. got there 40 minutes early and had a fantastic day. it was worth it.. no sleep, the long drive.. i got to get up with both of Them, have them see me off to work.. id do it everyday if i could.. with more sleep though.. :)

you sexy thing you

2007-03-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

what would i change about my sexual behavior? im pretty confidant for the most part when it comes to performing anything sexual.. but im really shy getting to that point.. honestly the only thing i can think of is that i want to be more sure.. not so timid or shy about my body.. but then again im only shy around people who are new ish.. i dont feel like im shy or timid now.. maybe i am.. ill have to pay more attention to it next time.. oh.. well definately one thing i would like to change is my ability to cum.. or lack thereof! ive never cum during intercourse.. only by hand.. and even then.. you have to do it a certian way.. i think my plumbing is broken sometimes.. lol

work

2007-03-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

i was workin today, and we have a raido we listen to in the back, and i heard a song that i havent heard in a long time.. ive been singing it in my head all day long..

If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope
Maybe I’d get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent

Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you’re feeling a little more pain
I gave, now I'm wanting something in return
So cry just a little for me

If your love could be caged
Honey I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath
The pile of lies you handed me
And you’d hunt those lies
They’d be all you’d ever find
That’d be all you’d have to know
For me to be fine

And you'd cry a little
And die just a little
And baby I would feel just a little less pain
I gave, now I'm wanting something in return
So cry just a little for me

Give it up baby
I hear your doin’ fine
Nothings gonna’ save me
Til I see it in your eyes
Some kind of heartache honey
Give it a try
I don’t want pity I just want what is mine

Yeah could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave, now I'm wanting something in return
So cry just a little for me
Yeah Cry just a little for me
Could you cry a little for me

playin it safe

2007-03-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

for a long time i think ive been in my own "safe mode" never letting anyone get past a certin point, only because the people i let in, crushed me. but i cant not trust everyone.. i have to let down my guards, learn to trust again.. but its not even agian.. its like ive never really done it. its like learning to ride a bike as an adult.. i think it would be a lot harder to learn as an adult than as a child. i wish a lot of times that i could go back.. i would do a lot of things different. there's got to be an opening here somewhere through this maze of ugliness that sometimes tries to cling to me. i know theres a light at the end of the tunnel.. i just need help digging it out. isnt it ironic that i trust Her to tie me down, flog me from head to toe.. but not tell her that im upset about a dream i had?

secrets, secrets are no fun, unless they're shared with everyone

2007-03-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

when You are used to being a certin way.. its hard to get out of that rut.. especially when its been for self preservation. i cannot physically face anyone, and talk about my feelings or emotions. it is impossible for me. untill now, i guess. because it is expected of me, that i will talk, about my feelings, or if somethings wrong.. about anything.. and everything. ill get over it eventually, quickly i hope.. but it wont be over night. so ill get over it, grin and bear it to the best of my ability. but i cant just snap my fingers and do it. but ill try.. because its what She.. they.. want and expect

anyone know a good hypno-thereapist?

2007-03-25T20:45:00.000-07:00

how do i get away
from the dreams
i close my eyes
and my head is filled with silent screams
i could scratch out my eyes
but they would still be like salt in an open wound
i cant run away fast enough
id trade brains with you if i could
why is it so tough
to accept that ill never get the answers
the answers that i need to get over it
i thought id never find anyone who would make me forget
but i have
not one.. but two.. how lucky could one get?
but i know there will always be something
a thought will be triggered
and will turn into something bigger
somday there will come a time
when those thoughts and memories
will no longer be mine
they'll be in the trash
where they belong
and make room for more to come along

these are the thoughts that never end

2007-03-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

ive gotten some news today.. im not sure if its bad or good yet.. but i know that i have a lot of thinking to do.. a lot of choices to be made.. i am so very distracted right now.. please wish clear thinking for me.. its a life changing descision.. i know that my family and friends will be there with me no matter what descision i make, but its an important one. and i know its one that only i can make. wish me luck oh! and i have a job interview on friday.. wish me luck for that too!

2007-03-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

i experianced something new this weekend.. ive been with several girls before.. but for some reason ive never gone down on one before.. never done oral. ive had it done on me.. and it wasnt for lack of wanting to.. i guess it just never happened.. untill this weekend :) last night She instructed me to make myself cum while thinking about licking Her pussy, then i could go to sleep. i got naked and in bed, it was cold and my nipples were so hard they hurt..lol. i started to play with them, teasing them, and im always very squirmy in bed hehe. i let my hands wander down, running my fingertips over my pussy lips, ive always liked petting myself down there.. i close my eyes and think about teasing Her, just running the tip of my tongue over Her sensitive spots, laying my head on Her thigh, rubbing my clit as i poke my tongue out to lick Hers, pushing a finger slowly inside Her, i came like that.. thinking about my tongue on Her clit and my fingers inside Her

irritable

2007-03-19T19:57:00.000-07:00

is it a bad thing that i hate being home? and usually i dont have an issue.. everyone gets irritated sometimes.. but i just cant stand being here.. and its because i want to be somewhere else.. usually id be happy just being anywhere else.. but this time thats not the case. anywhere else would not suffice. i wanna be there with Them.. i want to abolish this 30 day trial period and go for the gold..lol. i want the real deal. i know i have to get a job.. i hate looking for jobs. hate it hate it hate it. i get so discouraged i guess.. putting in work and getting no results.. i dont know. and i know i need to wait. that i have to go slow. because that has ALWAYS been an issue with me.. rushing things, relationships mostly, pushing them before they are ready.. and its never ended in a good way. i know what i need. but its not what i want.

3 halfs of a whole

2007-03-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

it was an awesomely great weekend.. an interesting one, but great none the less. we went to the rocky horror picture show on saturday night that was fun, a chance to get dressed up and go out. She and i went to the park and went prepared with our "expectations" lists.. talked about some issues we both had, and went home and signed them.. so today is the begenning of our 30 day trial period.. i brought up some concerns i was having concerning Him and i *think* we have it worked out so every one is happy right now.. but i gotta move my ass in quick! lol i was sad today cuz i didnt want to leave.. i almost started to cry a couple of times.. i hate looking for jobs.. its takes so long for me.. uhg! its bed time.. im sleepy. but im not lookin foward to getting into bed alone.. :(

self worth

2007-03-15T17:58:00.000-07:00

because i like to be tied down, and flogged, or whiped with a crop.. or because i like to wear a collar, and say yes Ma'am, no Ma'am.. because i make Her bed in the morning, and cook breakfast.. because my "spot" is on the floor, sitting on my pillow between them.. does that mean i have no self worth? no it doesnt. wouldnt you think that because i know i like these things, that im doing all of these things with a clear head and a light heart, that im doing these things safely, with Someone who cares about me that makes me have more self worth? i think so.. i certinly feel like i have self worth.

p's and q's

2007-03-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

manners.. i grew up with my parents always telling me to mind my p's and q's. i feel like ive always had good manners. Manners in my opinion are very important. as a submissive, im very thankful. with out my Mistress who would i submit to, and if i didnt submit wouldnt i lose part of myself? i think so. others may not agree, but then again, this isnt T/their blog. lol. its always important to show respect. yes Ma'am, thank You Ma'am. but the question in my mind is when is yes Ma'am, no Ma'am appropriate.. is it all the time? during play? at home? in public? i dont think W/we are at the all the time stage, but im not looking to be a 24/7 slave, and She isnt looking for one. but things as small as letting her Sit first, or walking a step behind Her, holding open a door, carrying the bag, all of those are very important in my opinion, because even though others around me may not know why im doing it, and might not see it out of the ordinary, its my way of being in role out in public, She knows why im doing it and thats all that matters.

sub·mis·sion

2007-03-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

The act of submitting to the power of another: thats a pretty good definiton of submission i think. submission to me is alowing someone to take controll over my body, and actions with in certin preset limits. submission to me is only given, no one can take submission from me. its mine.. to give, or not to give. submission to me should be seen as a gift, my submission will always be different from someone else's. im a natural submissive. ive been submissive my entire life, not in a sexual way nescessarily, but its just a part of my make up. it pleases me to serve, and by pleasing, if my Master or in this case Mistress is pleased, only then am i pleased. to me my submission is natural, but to someone else, it might be sick or twisted. as a submissive i am driven by the desire to please and serve. gratification does not come from pain, or sexual release of some kind, but from the act of submitting. i hope i always strive to improve my behavior in hopes of pleasing my Mistress, and to surrender to Her rules and expectations. submission to me is not measured by pain, but by how much controll i relinquish to Her. that is what submission means to me

places everyone, PLACES!

2007-03-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

i had a great weekend.. though at times i felt that things were a little tense.. places were forgotten and i feel like its at least partly my fault because ive disrupted the balance, i know everyone needs time to adjust and all that, its just kind of nerve racking, hoping that things will fall back into place, and everyone will be happy in each of their respective places. but over all things were good.. i made another flogger, with nylon rope, but this time i burned the ends.. and wow. what a difference. it looked like i had the chicken pox when She was done with me! it was the closest ive ever come to calling out a safe word.. ive never wanted to say it as much as i did then.. but ive realised that She isnt the only one pushing my limits, that im pushing myself too, seeing how far i can let it go, and i knew i could grin and bear it, that i could take more, and that's why i didnt say it. its hard getting your mind around the fact, that im laying here, and yes it hurts, it hurts really bad, but at the same time knowing that i can take more.. i have to forget one and focus on the other. ill post more later =)

30 days! same as cash, my search for Greatness

2007-03-10T12:52:00.000-08:00

She offered me a 30 day trial, "consideration" collar if you will.. and i accepted, gratefully. im looking forward to seeing where we go, i hope im not fooling myself into thinking that things are gonna be great.. but i have this awesome feeling inside me, that tells me that they really are going to be just that, great, awesome, and lots of other words like that.. i took friday off of work and came here thursday after my hair appointment. She went out with the girls from Her work, and i stayed and kept Him company. She went to work on friday and we watched movies and listened to music, it was a good, fun relaxing day.. i needed a break from work. monday is gonna suck. im gonna make my purple flogger today, and im gonna burn the ends this time. i love marking. im not exactly sure why, i guess because its pretty much a constant reminder, just like the painful throbbing of my nipples right now, but i dont mind those kinds of reminders. hehe. im gonna go give blood, ive never done that before, im sort of over my needle fear, hopefully it doesnt rear its ugly head today..