Saturday, June 16, 2007

performance test IV

"i will perform all duties and services without question. Instructions will be carried out immediately."
last night Miss Fran said She had come up with a solution to the sleeping arrangements. it has given us some trouble. Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby sleep seperately. Mr Hubby doesnt like sleeping with anyone. Miss Fran doesnt think i should get to sleep with Him if She doesnt get to. so Her solution was for me to sleep with Her if i was a good slut, and if i was bad i could sleep on the floor at the end of Her bed. i had never slept with anyone. Mr Hubby is the first person ive ever spent the night with. i knew he didnt like sleeping with anyone.. but i thought he wanted to sleep with me.. so he was "dealing with it" not that he doesnt.. he just doesnt get any sleep. ive made it a huge issue.. i want to sleep with both of them. i didnt mean to sound ungrateful. i like sleeping with Her too. when She told me last night i *thought* that that would mean i wouldnt get to sleep with Mr. Hubby ever. and if he doesnt ever want to sleep with me then its his right, he should tell me so. i dont want him to sleep with me to make me happy. if it doesnt make him happy i dont want it.

this was me, jumping to conclusions. i got a little upset and i sounded like a petulant child a bit im guessing. crying the whole bit, making Miss Fran think that i didnt want to sleep with Her, that She wasnt good enough. that was the last thing i wanted to do. i love Her, i love Him. who doesnt want to sleep with the person(s) they love? its just a lot of adjustments to make with 3 people. its hard enough in a relationship with 2 people to keep everyone happy. i hate the feeling that i am making everyone unhappy. that they are unhappy with me.

today is the worst day ive ever had since beggning this relationship. on the verge of a panic attack all day, upset stomach, horrible mood swings, exactly like back when i was manic depressive. on the verge of tears all day, because of the feeling that i am making worse, that i am making them unhappy. why cant i just do what im told without questioning it? i was in a relationship for 3 years where i did nothing but make the other person happy. was i happy? no. i want to make them happy, i want everyone to be happy. i was so afraid that i would have to walk away from them. that we couldnt be happy. that is what put me in my panic mode. ive found the the that feels right for me.. i told Mr. Hubby last week that this is the first relationship that i have ever been in where it is completely 100% me. ive not changed myself to make them happy, but maybe thats what i need to do..

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