performance test IV

"i will perform all duties and services without question. Instructions will be carried out immediately."
last night Miss Fran said She had come up with a solution to the sleeping arrangements. it has given us some trouble. Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby sleep seperately. Mr Hubby doesnt like sleeping with anyone. Miss Fran doesnt think i should get to sleep with Him if She doesnt get to. so Her solution was for me to sleep with Her if i was a good slut, and if i was bad i could sleep on the floor at the end of Her bed. i had never slept with anyone. Mr Hubby is the first person ive ever spent the night with. i knew he didnt like sleeping with anyone.. but i thought he wanted to sleep with me.. so he was "dealing with it" not that he doesnt.. he just doesnt get any sleep. ive made it a huge issue.. i want to sleep with both of them. i didnt mean to sound ungrateful. i like sleeping with Her too. when She told me last night i *thought* that that would mean i wouldnt get to sleep with Mr. Hubby ever. and if he doesnt ever want to sleep with me then its his right, he should tell me so. i dont want him to sleep with me to make me happy. if it doesnt make him happy i dont want it.

this was me, jumping to conclusions. i got a little upset and i sounded like a petulant child a bit im guessing. crying the whole bit, making Miss Fran think that i didnt want to sleep with Her, that She wasnt good enough. that was the last thing i wanted to do. i love Her, i love Him. who doesnt want to sleep with the person(s) they love? its just a lot of adjustments to make with 3 people. its hard enough in a relationship with 2 people to keep everyone happy. i hate the feeling that i am making everyone unhappy. that they are unhappy with me.

today is the worst day ive ever had since beggning this relationship. on the verge of a panic attack all day, upset stomach, horrible mood swings, exactly like back when i was manic depressive. on the verge of tears all day, because of the feeling that i am making worse, that i am making them unhappy. why cant i just do what im told without questioning it? i was in a relationship for 3 years where i did nothing but make the other person happy. was i happy? no. i want to make them happy, i want everyone to be happy. i was so afraid that i would have to walk away from them. that we couldnt be happy. that is what put me in my panic mode. ive found the the that feels right for me.. i told Mr. Hubby last week that this is the first relationship that i have ever been in where it is completely 100% me. ive not changed myself to make them happy, but maybe thats what i need to do..