performance test V

"i will perform all duties and services without question. Instructions will be carried out immediately."

im a selfish person. im young.. 22, only have had one "real" relationship before this one. so im a little behind i think. i get so worried about how i *think* people are going to react, i let my imiganition run away from me, and i end up freaking out, and thinking the worst is going to happen. i get myself in SO much trouble doing it, and im trying so hard to just aim for a middle of the road reaction. i cant assume what people are going to say or think unless i say something about it in the first place. i get so freaked and make a big deal, and then get in trouble for not talking, and they are more mad about that then what i was freaking out about in the first place! oy vey!! *smacks forhead* think ill get it right anytime soon?

i almost lost them last night. i said something before i thought it all the way through. Mr Hubby has a daughter, and i know that he loves her very much. i know how sad it makes him that she doesnt want to be a part of his life. one of the things i was worried about when i moved in is if she decided to come back, she has done it before and i thought that if she came back then i would have to leave. she's his daughter.. i thought i was right in assuming that. i didnt realise that he was giving that up for me. i felt so horrible, he got so upset and had every right after what i had said. i was thinking about myself, what i was giving up, and not seeing the other point of view. he loves me enough to maybe have to tell his daughter that she cant live with them, if she ever comes around(which is a slim to none chance). he said he didnt want to see me anymore. i thought i was losing everything. losing Miss Fran, losing Mr. Hubby, and everything we had at that point.

Miss Fran and i talked, i made a list of things that i felt i needed to work on, and She asked me to make a list of what i thought that She needed to work on, i made a copy for each of us. one of the things i had put on Her list was that i thought She needed to show more emotion.. we both realised that we are completely opposite. i show my emotion, but cant communicate, and She can communicate but cant show emotion. i got real tears out of Her last night and i didnt realise how much that would mean to me. we got up and Miss Fran had told me that Mr Hubby had calmed down and was willing to talk to me. i was scared, and ashamed of how i had acted with both of them. and i cant begin to say how thankful i am that they love me enough to keep giving me second chances.