you sexy thing you

what would i change about my sexual behavior? im pretty confidant for the most part when it comes to performing anything sexual.. but im really shy getting to that point.. honestly the only thing i can think of is that i want to be more sure.. not so timid or shy about my body.. but then again im only shy around people who are new ish.. i dont feel like im shy or timid now.. maybe i am.. ill have to pay more attention to it next time.. oh.. well definately one thing i would like to change is my ability to cum.. or lack thereof! ive never cum during intercourse.. only by hand.. and even then.. you have to do it a certian way.. i think my plumbing is broken sometimes.. lol

work

i was workin today, and we have a raido we listen to in the back, and i heard a song that i havent heard in a long time.. ive been singing it in my head all day long..

If I had just one tear running down your cheek
Maybe I could cope
Maybe I’d get some sleep
If I had just one moment at your expense
Maybe all my misery would be well spent

Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you’re feeling a little more pain
I gave, now I'm wanting something in return
So cry just a little for me

If your love could be caged
Honey I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath
The pile of lies you handed me
And you’d hunt those lies
They’d be all you’d ever find
That’d be all you’d have to know
For me to be fine

And you'd cry a little
And die just a little
And baby I would feel just a little less pain
I gave, now I'm wanting something in return
So cry just a little for me

Give it up baby
I hear your doin’ fine
Nothings gonna’ save me
Til I see it in your eyes
Some kind of heartache honey
Give it a try
I don’t want pity I just want what is mine

Yeah could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave, now I'm wanting something in return
So cry just a little for me
Yeah Cry just a little for me
Could you cry a little for me

playin it safe

for a long time i think ive been in my own "safe mode" never letting anyone get past a certin point, only because the people i let in, crushed me. but i cant not trust everyone.. i have to let down my guards, learn to trust again.. but its not even agian.. its like ive never really done it. its like learning to ride a bike as an adult.. i think it would be a lot harder to learn as an adult than as a child. i wish a lot of times that i could go back.. i would do a lot of things different. there's got to be an opening here somewhere through this maze of ugliness that sometimes tries to cling to me. i know theres a light at the end of the tunnel.. i just need help digging it out. isnt it ironic that i trust Her to tie me down, flog me from head to toe.. but not tell her that im upset about a dream i had?

secrets, secrets are no fun, unless they're shared with everyone

when You are used to being a certin way.. its hard to get out of that rut.. especially when its been for self preservation. i cannot physically face anyone, and talk about my feelings or emotions. it is impossible for me. untill now, i guess. because it is expected of me, that i will talk, about my feelings, or if somethings wrong.. about anything.. and everything. ill get over it eventually, quickly i hope.. but it wont be over night. so ill get over it, grin and bear it to the best of my ability. but i cant just snap my fingers and do it. but ill try.. because its what She.. they.. want and expect

anyone know a good hypno-thereapist?

how do i get away
from the dreams
i close my eyes
and my head is filled with silent screams
i could scratch out my eyes
but they would still be like salt in an open wound
i cant run away fast enough
id trade brains with you if i could
why is it so tough
to accept that ill never get the answers
the answers that i need to get over it
i thought id never find anyone who would make me forget
but i have
not one.. but two.. how lucky could one get?
but i know there will always be something
a thought will be triggered
and will turn into something bigger
somday there will come a time
when those thoughts and memories
will no longer be mine
they'll be in the trash
where they belong
and make room for more to come along

these are the thoughts that never end

ive gotten some news today.. im not sure if its bad or good yet.. but i know that i have a lot of thinking to do.. a lot of choices to be made.. i am so very distracted right now.. please wish clear thinking for me.. its a life changing descision.. i know that my family and friends will be there with me no matter what descision i make, but its an important one. and i know its one that only i can make. wish me luck oh! and i have a job interview on friday.. wish me luck for that too!

i experianced something new this weekend.. ive been with several girls before.. but for some reason ive never gone down on one before.. never done oral. ive had it done on me.. and it wasnt for lack of wanting to.. i guess it just never happened.. untill this weekend :) last night She instructed me to make myself cum while thinking about licking Her pussy, then i could go to sleep. i got naked and in bed, it was cold and my nipples were so hard they hurt..lol. i started to play with them, teasing them, and im always very squirmy in bed hehe. i let my hands wander down, running my fingertips over my pussy lips, ive always liked petting myself down there.. i close my eyes and think about teasing Her, just running the tip of my tongue over Her sensitive spots, laying my head on Her thigh, rubbing my clit as i poke my tongue out to lick Hers, pushing a finger slowly inside Her, i came like that.. thinking about my tongue on Her clit and my fingers inside Her

irritable

is it a bad thing that i hate being home? and usually i dont have an issue.. everyone gets irritated sometimes.. but i just cant stand being here.. and its because i want to be somewhere else.. usually id be happy just being anywhere else.. but this time thats not the case. anywhere else would not suffice. i wanna be there with Them.. i want to abolish this 30 day trial period and go for the gold..lol. i want the real deal. i know i have to get a job.. i hate looking for jobs. hate it hate it hate it. i get so discouraged i guess.. putting in work and getting no results.. i dont know. and i know i need to wait. that i have to go slow. because that has ALWAYS been an issue with me.. rushing things, relationships mostly, pushing them before they are ready.. and its never ended in a good way. i know what i need. but its not what i want.

3 halfs of a whole

it was an awesomely great weekend.. an interesting one, but great none the less. we went to the rocky horror picture show on saturday night that was fun, a chance to get dressed up and go out. She and i went to the park and went prepared with our "expectations" lists.. talked about some issues we both had, and went home and signed them.. so today is the begenning of our 30 day trial period.. i brought up some concerns i was having concerning Him and i *think* we have it worked out so every one is happy right now.. but i gotta move my ass in quick! lol i was sad today cuz i didnt want to leave.. i almost started to cry a couple of times.. i hate looking for jobs.. its takes so long for me.. uhg! its bed time.. im sleepy. but im not lookin foward to getting into bed alone.. :(

self worth

because i like to be tied down, and flogged, or whiped with a crop.. or because i like to wear a collar, and say yes Ma'am, no Ma'am.. because i make Her bed in the morning, and cook breakfast.. because my "spot" is on the floor, sitting on my pillow between them.. does that mean i have no self worth? no it doesnt. wouldnt you think that because i know i like these things, that im doing all of these things with a clear head and a light heart, that im doing these things safely, with Someone who cares about me that makes me have more self worth? i think so.. i certinly feel like i have self worth.

p's and q's

manners.. i grew up with my parents always telling me to mind my p's and q's. i feel like ive always had good manners. Manners in my opinion are very important. as a submissive, im very thankful. with out my Mistress who would i submit to, and if i didnt submit wouldnt i lose part of myself? i think so. others may not agree, but then again, this isnt T/their blog. lol. its always important to show respect. yes Ma'am, thank You Ma'am. but the question in my mind is when is yes Ma'am, no Ma'am appropriate.. is it all the time? during play? at home? in public? i dont think W/we are at the all the time stage, but im not looking to be a 24/7 slave, and She isnt looking for one. but things as small as letting her Sit first, or walking a step behind Her, holding open a door, carrying the bag, all of those are very important in my opinion, because even though others around me may not know why im doing it, and might not see it out of the ordinary, its my way of being in role out in public, She knows why im doing it and thats all that matters.

sub·mis·sion

The act of submitting to the power of another: thats a pretty good definiton of submission i think. submission to me is alowing someone to take controll over my body, and actions with in certin preset limits. submission to me is only given, no one can take submission from me. its mine.. to give, or not to give. submission to me should be seen as a gift, my submission will always be different from someone else's. im a natural submissive. ive been submissive my entire life, not in a sexual way nescessarily, but its just a part of my make up. it pleases me to serve, and by pleasing, if my Master or in this case Mistress is pleased, only then am i pleased. to me my submission is natural, but to someone else, it might be sick or twisted. as a submissive i am driven by the desire to please and serve. gratification does not come from pain, or sexual release of some kind, but from the act of submitting. i hope i always strive to improve my behavior in hopes of pleasing my Mistress, and to surrender to Her rules and expectations. submission to me is not measured by pain, but by how much controll i relinquish to Her. that is what submission means to me

places everyone, PLACES!

i had a great weekend.. though at times i felt that things were a little tense.. places were forgotten and i feel like its at least partly my fault because ive disrupted the balance, i know everyone needs time to adjust and all that, its just kind of nerve racking, hoping that things will fall back into place, and everyone will be happy in each of their respective places. but over all things were good.. i made another flogger, with nylon rope, but this time i burned the ends.. and wow. what a difference. it looked like i had the chicken pox when She was done with me! it was the closest ive ever come to calling out a safe word.. ive never wanted to say it as much as i did then.. but ive realised that She isnt the only one pushing my limits, that im pushing myself too, seeing how far i can let it go, and i knew i could grin and bear it, that i could take more, and that's why i didnt say it. its hard getting your mind around the fact, that im laying here, and yes it hurts, it hurts really bad, but at the same time knowing that i can take more.. i have to forget one and focus on the other. ill post more later =)

30 days! same as cash, my search for Greatness

She offered me a 30 day trial, "consideration" collar if you will.. and i accepted, gratefully. im looking forward to seeing where we go, i hope im not fooling myself into thinking that things are gonna be great.. but i have this awesome feeling inside me, that tells me that they really are going to be just that, great, awesome, and lots of other words like that.. i took friday off of work and came here thursday after my hair appointment. She went out with the girls from Her work, and i stayed and kept Him company. She went to work on friday and we watched movies and listened to music, it was a good, fun relaxing day.. i needed a break from work. monday is gonna suck. im gonna make my purple flogger today, and im gonna burn the ends this time. i love marking. im not exactly sure why, i guess because its pretty much a constant reminder, just like the painful throbbing of my nipples right now, but i dont mind those kinds of reminders. hehe. im gonna go give blood, ive never done that before, im sort of over my needle fear, hopefully it doesnt rear its ugly head today..

irreplaceable

so, im not going to work tomorrow. i made up some excuese about having to take my grandma in for tests at the hospital.. im glad i can take the day off and chill.. im a little bit upset.. my sister and best friend have been hangin out a lot. without me. ive tried to make plans with my friend during the week.. but she cant..she has homework.. but she can hang out with my sister. i try to make plans during the week because im busy on the weekends now.. i make an effort, she doesnt, well she does, with my sister. and let me say this.. this bullshit has happened before, in jr. high when my best friend dumped me to be bestfriends with my sister. we were gonna go eat after i got off work, before my haircut.. i called them when i got off.. what were they doing? eating at some mexican place. so i said ok, i can go eat after my hair appointment, and ill just leave after that.. apparently she was'nt listening cuz they made plans to go later tonight.. so fuck it. let them go do whatever the hell they want. im not playing this game

thats what you get when you play a country song backwards

well, work certinly didnt get any better today.. i was ready to leave today and not go back tomorrow. im just so pissed at the situation there right now. its really frustrating. i just gotta look harder for a job.. ive got somethin in my head to write.. ill go see if it will come out on paper.. ill post it later if anything comes of it

limits list

i filled out a limits list today.. i think its interesting reading those.. its amazing what some people will even consider doing. work sucked majorly today.. im gonna start looking really hard for a new job.. i dont know if its because things are escalating at work, or if its because i had such a good time this weekend and its another way for me to not take things slow..lol. with or without last weekend id still need a new job. this one isnt cutting it

takin it slow

all i wanted to do after work was drive straight back. even last night i didnt want to drive home and crawl into bed alone. but i know i cant have everything right away, even if i think i want it.. i know its better to think things through and go slowly. ive always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve and jump in feet first with my eyes closed. and it hasnt taken me to very good places.. but now my eyes are wide open, i like where ive been taken, and even though i still wanna jump all the way in, i know good things come to those who wait. i know it will be worth the wait. im off to go practice! hehe

holes anyone?

....and i told her i wanted her to screw holes in it BEFORE She tried it out.. silly of me. i had so much fun this weekend.. more affection and attention in the first NIGHT than in almost all of my entire life.. it was almost unerving. it almost makes me want to hold back a little bit, because as usual im afraid of it going *poof* im sure i shouldnt say this.. but witholding affection is an excellent form of punnishment for me. i really like where this is going.. and i cant wait for next weekend

meetings

today was a good day as far as work is concerned.. was busy tho. which made my day go faster. and i made up some excuese that i had to be out by 2.. so i could come home and do my femine dance and get ready for this weekend.. im excited, anxious, nervous.. i wish i was the kind of girl that could just go out and do it.. without over thinking and getting nervous.. i wish i was self confidant enough to do so.. someday.. im working on it. im actually much better than i used to be.. if you can belive that. well, my next blog will be in a new place.. im excited =D

i almost forgot!

whew! glad i remembered.. forgive any typos.. im shivering lots. well, it was sort of an eventful day, with me getting trapped in a freight elevator and all.. it wasnt so bad.. at least my cell phone was working so i could call someone. tomorrow is friday! exciting things happen tomorrow.. hehe i got my taxes done today.. *finally* i can pay the good doctors and get them off my back. i hope i come to some sort of ephiny tomorrow and chill out..lol. not be so nervous or shy. i cant feel my feet >.<>