lo lo lo love, im talkin about love!

you talk to anyone of my ex's, and one thing they will all agree on is that i give. im a giver. when im with someone im Theirs.. i will give anything, everything. i give too much.. i dont ask for anything.. maybe thats my problem.. maybe i need to be the one to ask for a change.. but i dont want to be a taker. i like being the giver, i like being out somewhere, seeing something that i think You might like.. or need.. and picking it up. i like buying presents for holidays like easter or halloween.. i like having an excuese to buy You things. thats how i am. in my eyes the word relationship is is paralell with devotion. how can you be in any sort of relationship with someone if your not devoted? and more.. how can you love someone and not be devoted. why do i love C and L?
*i love how they make me feel... both togeather and seperate.
*because if feels right
*something slides into place and *clicks*
*i love how they are helping me over come my inability to open up. not talking isnt something i dont WANT to do.. its a defence mechinism, thatn i am getting over.. i like talking now that i know i dont have to worry about what the outcome will be.. i dont ever have to worry about an outcome.. or at least a bad one
*i love them because of how they treat me... i know this is how im supposed to be treated.. sure i could find someone else who would treat me the same way.. but i dont want anyone else.. there was i time when i thought that i couldnt get anyone.. i know my own self value now.. but i pick them.. i want them
*i love how they touch me.. a hand across the back, a squeese on the back of my neck, fingers through my hair, teeth in my shoulder, a smack on my ass.. and i love how they make me unafraid to touch them back, in anyway i want
*i love how its everything i want.. a husband, a wife, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a Domme, a sub. THOSE ARE THINGS I WANT.

You wont find anyone that will ever love You more, that will give more.. that will offer more.. just give me the chance. lets work togeather to fix mistakes.. i dont want to worry about when the end will come.. i dont want an end to come.. ever. can we avoid one? i dont know, i dont know if we can compromise enough to avoid one. but i know we can have a now.

i never knew what that thing down there was used for

life is a balancing act. and right now i feel like i am doing a piss poor job of balancing. i feel like im going to collapse under it all. i feel like everyone wants to demand everything of me.. so i work my ass off, doing my best.. but i never get a "good job, thank you, thats great, andrea" i just get asked for more.. or bitched at. and this is from everyone.. i am not someone who does anything half way. anyone who knows me will tell you that.

regretts

i know tomorrow i will probablly regret writing this past entry, thinking that i shouldnt have done it 15 minutes after taking pain meds. this is my blog. a spot to write down what im thinking and feeling. i shouldnt be worried about being punnished for how i feel. and right now, this is how i feel. im sorry, im appoligizing in advance, if i forgot my place. or anything else You feel i did wrong. i keep things inside, and blow things out of proportion. You know that. but i mean what i said today, i love You, i love Mr. Hubby, i want things to work out so badly. ill do anything..

nothing's ever good enough

i keep trying and trying, it doesnt seem to be doing any good. i have assignments.. or i did, still do.. not sure. masturbating 3 times a day, then down to 2 times for 15 minutes each.. writing in my blog, walking for 10 minutes. now, reading a new blog, leaving comments. not a lot by themselves. i was having trouble keeping up, doing those things on top of the things i have to do at home, for my family, my own chores at home, laundry, helping with dinner, cleaning the kitchen, my own down time. maybe im not supposed to have any, does it make me a bad sub for being concerned with that? i have no idea, i do know that its something i need. i need time in a day to relax.. i brought it up that it was a little much, She told me its ok, she couldnt be concerned with keeping track of all of it. that hurt. a lot. so i quit doing some of it.. didnt do a blog everyday, which she know's i have trouble with keeping up with a blog anyways, i just need a specific subject to write on, i dont mind doing it, i really dont. i dont put other things first.. i dont put "watching tv, or going out" before assigments.. one, because i was told they werent a priority, and they couldnt be concerned with anymore. and they only reason i go out is because i cant be there with Her.. if i were there, i wouldnt go out, and i wouldnt have to do a blog anyways. not an excuese i know. but dont i get some slack? i had 4 teeth pulled out of my head yesterday, im on pain meds and cant remember half of my day anyways???? i tell her how i feel today and i dont get anything but complaints. how do you think that makes me feel?!?!?!?!? like shit! she said last weekend she wasnt giving me enough credit.. and she still isnt. im trying my hardest here.. i really am. does she think i would slack in the one thing thats really important to me right now?? oviously she does. and i cant do anything about it. ive tried to make her see that im not going to do what she thinks. no one can change her mind but her. ive tried and tried. there's just so much going on and i feel like im drowning in everything.. i just need everyone to let up just a little.. im struggling so hard with work, making sure my bills are paid, this relationship, my family, surgery. im just having a hard time i dont get why everyone keeps pushing and pushing. im giving all i can, and i think its a lot damnit! but its never been enough for anyone.

thankful thursdays III

im thankful that:

1. L gets to spend time with his daughter this weekend

2. im getting my teeth fixed tomorrow

3. i get pain meds tomorrow

4. i get to sleep in on a friday

5. things are progressing slowly but surely in my relationship with Miss Fran and Mr. Hubby

6. im not in school anymore and dont have to take the SAT's. i hated filling in all those damn bubbles

7. that i have internet at my house for my lap top now

8. that my dad knows a lot about cars so i dont have to pay for a mechanic

9. its almost time for flip flops, although in my opinion anytime is time for flip flops

10. my feet are warm

the change

i get to Miss Frans house saturday and waited for her to get home.. she gets home, and i have to say its a great feeling when im there waiting with Mr. Hubby, and she walks in the door, its like everything "clicks" she came bearing new toys. a matching set of ankle, thigh and wrist cuffs, and a collar.. all in purple. and they all fit for the most part. my tooth has been bothering me a lot lately, i went to the doctor last week, and this friday im having all four wisdom teeth pulled. ive been taking tylenol every four hours, but it never lasts that long. sunday i worked on the adjustable straps for the bed and got those all done and taken care of. we went to the gym and worked out. i like going, its fun. but i think i hurt my back stretching or poping it.. and i was in a lot of pain with that and my teeth. but i knew Miss Fran wanted to play that night.. i wanted to also. but i just kept feeling worse and worse as the day went on.. and when it came to play time i was near tears, i was in a lot of pain, and just didnt feel good, but i know that She wanted to play, She droped a few hints through out the day.. i really wanted to make Her happy, i was putting on my ankle cuffs and it was so painful i started to get teary eyed, and she asked whats wrong, and i didnt want to dissapoint Her, She asked me to lay down on the bed with my head in Her lap, and She was petting my hair and She felt my forhead and i had a little bit of a fever. i started to cry and She told me to talk to Her, and i told Her that i knew She wanted to play.. She later said that She hadnt been giving me enought credit. we went to bed, and i ended up calling in sick to work the next day, i didnt get much sleep. we went to costco and watched a movie. then i stayed another night and went to work in the morning. Miss Fran had to get up early for work too so it was nice getting up with her. tomorrow is gonna be a hectic day at work, and miss Fran is going to be at my work, working but i dont think ill be able to see her :( and im not too sure how ill feel after getting four teeth pulled.. hopefully ill feel up to seeing them this weekend. i havent spent a weekend without them since ive met them.

why am i loved only when im gone?

this weekend with Miss Fran and Mr Hubby started on saturday afternoon. im always so happy to see them after not seeing them during the week. we were watching a movie and Mr Hubby went to bed early and told us to wake him up a little later.. we watched the rest of the movie and then went to wake him up, and we were having trouble convincing him to get up so Miss Fran had me talk dirty to him.. and that woke him up :) i got to suck him off for a little bit and then i asked him very nicely to fuck me.. i even said please! but He said no.. that i had to fuck him.. so i climbed on and fucked him. then we all got up and went to watch Little Brittan and if none of You have seen it.. you need to. especially if you like british humor. we all went to bed.. and i was supposed to sleep with Miss Fran but ended up with Mr Hubby, and we spent a lot of time, a couple of hours at least talking.. about my jealousy issues, about sharing, bringing other people into things, about how He has had walls up with me from the begening, but now they aren't there.. and that He's falling in love with me.. it made me cry.. in a good way :) it was a relief to know that im not the only one.. because im on the way down from falling in love.. and just about to land on IN love..lol with both of them.. falling in love has always happened fast for me.. and every time before now.. ive regretted it. regretted not taking the time to go slower. and i certinly did try hard to go slow this time, but no matter what walls i do have up, i still wear my heart on the sleeve.. and ill lose my heart.. not lose.. but give it to them.. but im not afraid this time. i want to live in the now.. not worry about later. We'll deal with later when it comes.. and im going to do my best to make sure that that "later" never comes.. or at least not for a very very long time. so, after talking for a long time.. we had sex again, and i came.. even if i did still have to rub my clit.. it was amazing, and i cryed again..lol i cry a lot. so sunday we went and worked out at the YMCA and let me tell you what. im still hurting like crazy! but it was so much fun! we did weights for a little bit then we went and played raquett ball and that was the funnest part. one day we'll kick his butt *evil grin* then we went home and went to walmart and did all the shopping, and i made a wow account when we got back. so we all made new chars and played for a while. then it was time to bed. i was going to sleep with Miss Fran but i didnt want to sleep in Her bed.. i went about things all wrong sunday night.. i complained when i should have gone about it all different.. she eneded up thinking that i didnt like sleeping with her.. which isnt the case at all! except she likes to punch me in the face when i sleep =P (it only happened once and it was an accident) so she got mad and yelled.. i got upset, moved my sleeping stuff out to the living room and ended up sleeping on the couch.. alone.. and with no blankie ='( we have all talked things out and things are fine.. till next sunday when im sure something new will come up.. as they always seem to come up on sunday for some reason. i went to the dentist today, and over all things are a lot better in this big mouth of mine then i thought they would be! thank goodness for that. wow.. long post

kumkwat

im supposed to write about this weekend.. but im hoping that its ok that i do it tomorrow.. i am so tired, and in a lot of pain (will explain further tomorrow) i got some work pants at walmart.. $8.50 lets hear it for walmart clearance! Miss Fran went to bed already so hopefully this is ok *cowers* hehe

at least somebody's smilin

i met my friends brother tonight.. he just got out of prison and is super annoying. we went to hooters for a drink, the girls were dissapointing, and the drinks were weak. i ordered the strongest one i could think of, a long island ice tea, and it didnt even cause me to make a face.. everyone is in a bad mood, and its making me be in one too.. first my friend is bitchy to me, then my other friends brother is a bitch to my sister.. then my sister is a bitch to me for killing a spider for her, because i smeared a tiny little bit of it on the floor, most of it was still on the wall! im tired.. so im going to bed and hope i sleep it off

thankful thursdays II

im thankful that:

1. we got a new girl to help out at work! yay!
2. my parents are fair and patient
3. i got my new computer
4. Miss Fran and Mister Hubby are very patient with my neurosis
5. that im learning to open up
6. that Miss Fran is learning to be patient
7. that if i have a probem i can speak up about it and not be afraid to talk
8. we have gravity.. so we dont float off into space
9. we have porn
10. that i have both of my grandma's left

she slipped on a kiss and tumbled into love

friday night we didnt get around to thinking about the liquor store untill it was closed.. so we made due with what we had.. some spiced rum, cherry vodka that tastes like cough syrup.. i made each of us a shot.. Miss Fran didnt take hers.. eventually i took Hers, along with the rest of the bottle.. Mr. Hubby wanted more to drink so i got him some rum to drink.. i kept trying to steal it from Him.. i got two drinks out of it.. when your already drunk spiced rum tastes a lot like cream soda.. i was pretty drunk at this time.. the rest of the night is kinda fuzzy.. i think Miss Fran took the doggies out next.. and when She got back she told me to sit on the floor.. with my hands behind my back.. either i put the blindfold on myself.. or she did. she cuffs on me and linked them togeather behind my back and had me get on my knees.. she had her hands on me.. i *think*. i eventually found my way to the floor with the side of my face pressed against the carpet.. and my pants off.. i dont remember what she used on me.. i thought it was Her crop, but i was mistaken. i believe She had the feather out at one point.. Mr. Hubby was at the computer.. i dont know if He was watching or not.. the next thing i remember is Miss Fran unlinking my cuffs and telling me to masturbate for Her.. She let me keep my blindfold on.. i got onto my back and fought to lean up on my left arm.. the room was spinning like crazy. my right hand busy between my legs, rubbing my clit, as i was very very wet.. my left hand dug into the carpet, i was trying not to fall over. Miss Fran got into my over night bag and got out my purple vibrator and used that on my while i fingered myself.. i dont remember if She told me to cum or if i asked Her if i could... afterwards.. *sigh* She has this amazing.. what i call a bedroom voice.. all deep and sexy, she asked me if it felt good.. and of course it did.. and i told Her so.. i hope is said thank You.. and if i didnt.. im saying it now :D after i remember being at least half naked.. walking around the apartment trying to find all my stuff to go to bed.. and woke up the next morning with the worst hangover ive ever had.. while wandering around Seattle..

beautiful liar

Miss Fran and i decided yesterday that it was best to extend our trial period another 30 days at least.. none of us.. Miss Fran, Mr. Hubby nor i are ready for something more permanent at this time. but we have worked through whatever problems we had and all are happy i *think* at least as far as i know. everyday after work all i wanna do is just keep drivin north.. lol. and i totally would if i could afford all that gas. so i have to wait like a good girl for the weekends. i love being there with them.. maybe i can talk them into letting me stay sunday night to make up for not staying friday night ;)

it must have been love, but its over now

the weekend is split down the middle pretty much as far as good/bad goes. saturday, C and i went to the Bodies Exhibit in seattle and it was super fun and interesting, we did tons of walking.. we walked from the ferry to the museum, from the museum to broadway, to a couple of cool sex shops that i knew of, from broadway to pike place market, and from the market back down to the ferry.. we got flowers for easter, and C got me a Fairy figurine =D we talked a lot on the ferry ride back into town.. we got back and went to Wal-mart for the weekly shoping and got back home and watched a movie and went to bed.. sunday i got up and went back to my neck of the woods because my dad wanted me to go to church on easter, so i said hi to some people and drove all the way back to C and L's to find out that plans had changed.. and shit just kinda hit the fan.. there's a lot of things that need to be worked out, and i really really hope that we can work them out.. i care so much about both of them, and im past the point where i can get out of this relationship without being hurt.. i dont want to be without either of them..

thankful thursdays

things im thankful for
1. that my sister is my best friend
2. that i found C and L
3. that i have a family that loves and supports me
4. that ive never had to need for anything
5. i have lots of friends i can count on and go to if i need anything
6. that my parents raised me with morals and a good head on my shoulders
7. that ive been given a great oppurtunity to improve my health
8. i dont make a lot, and may not have a lot of spending money at the end of the day, but i make enough to pay my bills and have some fun once in a while
9. that we are hiring a new girl at work
10. that i love the people i work with

she totally confused all the passing piranhas

i dont really have anything to say.. ive tried blogs or journals before.. they never lasted long.. lol this is the longest anything has ever lasted. and its fizzling. lol going to the bodies exhibit this weekend, friends might come to silverdale and hangout, drink a little. im kinda nervous.. cuz ive never had a boyfriend or girlfriend around my friends.. it will be weird. sunday is easter.. i know my parents want me to come to church, but thats not an option. so im going to dinner at the "in-laws." hope that goes ok. im sick of work, and cant wait to get a new job somewhere.

she said why dont you just drop dead

i made a dentist appointment today.. ive been having really bad tooth aches lately, poping tylenol like crazy.. as a sub, i know i should be more concerned with giving respect than recieveing it.. but outside of the D/s world i really have to say that it really really REALLY pisses me off when i dont get it. from people at work who have no respect for me because i make their food.. because im a service worker.. to my little 12 year old brother who has absolutely no respect for me, who blatently disrespects me on a regular basis, i can stand there, look him in the eye, tell him not to do something, and he'll turn around and do it, over and over again. but if my dad, or mom, or sister were to tell him not to do the same thing he might actually not do it.. but he doesnt realize that his parents are old.. or older.. and that when the time comes, he'll be living with me, and ill make his life hell. :)

grandma should put on a little make up

this was a good weekend.. She finally told me to get my ass over there friday night.. so after hangin out and having a drink with my friends i drove over.. and proceeded to drink more.. i got all giggly like i tend to get when i drink. i had fun :D saturday we slept in kinda late, cuz we were up late.. "naping" then we went to the movie store and got farce of the penguins.. it wasn't as good as i thought it would be.. but it was funny. and sunday we went to walmart.. i love walmart.. i got my computer business taken care of and bought a cute red computer briefcase thingy.. slash purse. i like purses more than walmart. when we got home i played WoW and was dreading the 7 o'clock hour that was sneaking up on me very fast.. i didnt want to go home.. and i think They knew it.. so they let me stay another night :) i got no sleep.. 2 MAYBE 3 hours.. had to drive an hour into work.. got there 40 minutes early and had a fantastic day. it was worth it.. no sleep, the long drive.. i got to get up with both of Them, have them see me off to work.. id do it everyday if i could.. with more sleep though.. :)